Good Morning All!
I've had a 'blog in my head' all week, but wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say. This morning, I've finally decided to just sit down and type to see where it goes.
I've discovered that a big part of 'The New Normal', for me at least, has been learning how to feel. I suppose it's much the same as losing other abilities, due to accidents, etc....when people suffer strokes/head trauma, they often have to learn to speak/ walk/ eat again with rehabilitation. And I think emotional trauma is often the same.....we have to rehab our feelings. It's not that the feelings aren't there, but I think in emotional trauma, we 'fake it', sometimes for so long that we forget which feelings are real and which are the 'faking it' ones.
I've long considered myself a generally positive and happy person. I think that's something that you choose, and I choose happy. I've realized, though, that for the last few years, in choosing 'happy', I had begun to use my 'happy' as a mask, rather than actually feeling it. I don't want to leave the impression that I ALWAYS faked 'happy' during that time, but LOTS of the time, it was my mask. I truly think, though, that I'd lost track of which one was which!As recovery's progressed, without realizing it, I've begun to rehabilitate my feelings, and my real, honest-to-goodness 'happy' is returning! BUT (because there always IS one), with that genuine feeling of 'happy' comes the question: "Am I really supposed to feel HAPPY right now? Is it too soon?? And how is it even possible that I feel happy when I've lost my son??"
I'm attending a study/support group called Grief Share. This past Monday night, we talked about this very thing......that as recovery from loss progresses, it sometimes feels 'odd' to feel good again, and we might even feel guilty for that. It's normal. YAY!!! Not only is it normal, it's ok to feel good again! YAY!!!!!
So, I'm not sure exactly when I ditched my 'happy mask'! All I can tell you is one day, I was smiling, and I realized it felt like it really fit my face! AND it's ok to say it out loud.....I'm HAPPY!! This profound epiphany has prompted me, this week, to think of all of the things in my life that DO make me happy. I thought I'd share a few. Some are huge, and some seem very insignificant to the naked eye, but all mean the world to me. I apologize in advance for the self-absorption, but, if you'd like to indulge me, please feel free to continue!
I'm happy because:
1) Though there are some fairly large things I'd like to change in my life, I find that I'm truly
content with things just as they are.
2) My daughter is TRULY happy/content, both in Mississippi and in her own skin.
3) My parents, though they face challenges, are genuinely content with their life together,
and are, without a doubt, more in love today than they've ever been.
4) I no longer feel guilty because I hate to cook. (It's actually the clean-up part that I hate,
but if you're gonna cook, you have to clean up, so I happily opt out of both MOST of the
time.)
5) My mother (I've promised never to tell her age again), who's a member of the 'wiser'
generation, can now text, and frequently uses the term 'butt dial'. I LOVE that!
6) I have friends who feel more like family, who love me in spite of me!
7) Bonds with my family who extend beyond Annie-Laurie and my parents have grown so
much stronger this past year.
8) My dad wears his Mississippi State cap almost constantly when Annie-Laurie and I visit.
9) The presence of my faith is something that I again feel on a daily basis.
10) I've learned to eat healthy, and I even sometimes exercise WILLINGLY.
There are 10. There are more, but you get the gist of it. If you happen to be among the one or two people still reading, I again thank you for the indulgence!!
Enjoy a great weekend wherever you are, and give extra hugs to the people you love!!!
Happily,
Julie :)
