Hello, My Friends.....
On Friday night, as the events in Newtown, CT were unfolding, I wrote a blog, which I later deleted. I'm not sure why, except that this topic of mental/emotional struggles hits me very close to home, and re-reading what I had written made me sad.
As I thought about this young 'shooter' to whom the media and facebook friends were referring as words such as 'monster', I agreed. How could he? And then I began to think about all of the other shootings....one of which happened just days ago in Oregon. They, the shooters, were ALL very young men.....obviously very disturbed young men. Monsters? Yes. What they've done, I think earns them that title. BUT....when did that happen? Wasn't he, at some point in his life, a sweet and innocent little boy? Someone's son. And, more importantly, WHY did it happen??
I know a bit about boys with 'issues'. My boy had some issues. I haven't, in the blog, directly addressed Chad's issues. But, I think that now may, perhaps be the right time.
Chad's struggle began when he was in seventh grade. And it continued. It continued through counseling, a boot camp, more counseling, boarding school, and yet more counseling. The juvenile court system was involved, and medications were prescribed, with counseling on a continued basis. Let me say here that two primary mental health professionals were involved, who I feel are two of the best in the business. And yet, we couldn't find an answer. This is not to say that there weren't good times during those three rough years. There were. But there were some awfully, awfully painful times. And watching Chad endure those painful times, as his mother, very nearly killed me. A mom's supposed to be able to fix things!! I couldn't fix it. I didn't even know how to begin to MANAGE it! I found myself at times wishing that it was a physical illness.....we could go to the doctor and get treatment (though I must tell you that our family doctor was very much on board throughout our journey, stayed with us right through to the end, and is someone who I consider a very dear friend today!) But, also, and maybe selfishly, if it had been a physical illness, I could have talked about it. You certainly don't want to go around talking about your kids' mental or emotional problems! Even when only a handful of people know, you notice how they sometimes look at you differently...not to be unkind, but because they simply don't know what to say.
Without going into great detail, that's the gist of our situation. And we know the end result. I believe that we may have been on the brink of learning more about what was going on with Chad. We ran out of time. I, in my heart of hearts, don't believe that Chad could have killed. He loved people far too much for that. I don't know if Chad was sure of that, though, and I believe that's a portion of the reason why he made the choice that he did.
I have no idea what the answer is in addressing this illness (it IS an illness) that seems to be attacking our young men's psyches and emotional states. I KNOW that it's complicated. But I believe that we MUST address it. In the blog that I previously wrote, I said that the lives of all of these boys who have killed must be dissected.....almost minute by minute.....to see what led them to resort to such violence. There MUST be a common thread that would lead to an appropriate diagnosis and a cure. In the meantime, please say an extra prayer....or ten...for families who struggle with this problem in private, while trying to carry on with life as usual in public. I know that the thing they desire most is peace for their struggling children and normalcy for their families.
Love,
Julie
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Christmas Cards....
Well.....I've done it again! For the second year in a row I found THE perfect Christmas cards! Last year's card had birdhouses with cardinals...two of the houses had the words 'Love' and 'Peace' written on them.....exactly what I wanted to say! I bought them weeks ahead of time so that I would get them out early! I started signing them, and each time I wrote 'With Much Love-- Julie and Annie-Laurie' I got sadder and sadder. So I didn't finish them.
This year's cards are equally as cute and perfect....a starry background with three bare trees done in silver and one big green Christmas tree with a perfect reddest of red cardinals perched on top. I even went to the post office early to buy the stamps, so they wouldn't be picked over! I can't even open the boxes. If I sign them, 'With Much Love--Julie, Annie-Laurie, and Chad', I fear that people will think that I've lost touch with reality, and thus will worry. But signing them without Chad's name seems so wrong!
So...I can't do cards again this year. It's a one-step-at-a-time thing....I know that. This is one step I can't take yet. Maybe next year.
Know that all of you are in my thoughts, and I'm wishing you a blessed Christmas season.
Julie
This year's cards are equally as cute and perfect....a starry background with three bare trees done in silver and one big green Christmas tree with a perfect reddest of red cardinals perched on top. I even went to the post office early to buy the stamps, so they wouldn't be picked over! I can't even open the boxes. If I sign them, 'With Much Love--Julie, Annie-Laurie, and Chad', I fear that people will think that I've lost touch with reality, and thus will worry. But signing them without Chad's name seems so wrong!
So...I can't do cards again this year. It's a one-step-at-a-time thing....I know that. This is one step I can't take yet. Maybe next year.
Know that all of you are in my thoughts, and I'm wishing you a blessed Christmas season.
Julie
Sunday, November 11, 2012
A Love Story....
Sometime in the early 1960's, a young, handsome preacher was called to be the pastor at The First Baptist Church in a quaint little town called Wardell, Missouri. Shortly after his pastorate there began, the young pastor began to take note of a beautiful young woman, a member of the church, who was also the church clerk. As the young pastor had made it his policy never to date church members, he found himself in a bit of a dilemma. He called a special meeting of the church deacons. During that meeting, the young pastor explained that, while he DID have his self-imposed policy, he'd found himself quite interested in a young woman in the church, and he asked simply, 'What should I do?' The deacons all smiled and exchanged knowing looks with one another, and one of the deacons spoke up to tell the pastor that not only did they know exactly the woman to whom the pastor was referring, they all thought that the pastor and this young woman might be a good match, even when they originally called him to be their pastor. So with the blessing of the deacons, the young pastor began to visit the young woman where she worked as a bookkeeper at Acom's Cotton Gin uptown, offering to take her to lunch. I'm not sure how many times she turned him down, but when she finally did accept his invitation to lunch, she told him emphatically, 'I'll have lunch with you, but I have no interest, whatsoever, in being a pastor's wife.' God (and the young pastor), however, had a plan. After the two had been sharing meals together for several months, the young pastor proposed, and the beautiful young woman accepted, though she wasn't sure WHEN, exactly, she had decided that being a pastor's wife might suit her. Ten months after the young couple were married, they had a daughter. That daughter would be me, and it's my unbiased opinion that the young pastor and his beautiful bride (the reluctant pastor's wife) went on to become the most amazing pastor-pastor's wife team ever!!
This week, the young pastor and his beautiful bride will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Though that tired, overused line from the movie Jerry McGuire, 'You complete me', generally makes me roll my eyes, there is not a phrase which more accurately describes my parents' relationship. They literally complement each other as intricately as two puzzle pieces, one ending where the other begins, with no indication of a seam, making something as tough as marriage look so completely effortless! And together, they've lived their life with an unwavering faith in God, going wherever He's led them, and never questioning. I find myself marvelling at them more each day, and feel so blessed to have the opportunity to continually learn from them.
Happy Anniversary, Mom and Daddy! Love you more than you know!
Julie
This week, the young pastor and his beautiful bride will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Though that tired, overused line from the movie Jerry McGuire, 'You complete me', generally makes me roll my eyes, there is not a phrase which more accurately describes my parents' relationship. They literally complement each other as intricately as two puzzle pieces, one ending where the other begins, with no indication of a seam, making something as tough as marriage look so completely effortless! And together, they've lived their life with an unwavering faith in God, going wherever He's led them, and never questioning. I find myself marvelling at them more each day, and feel so blessed to have the opportunity to continually learn from them.
Happy Anniversary, Mom and Daddy! Love you more than you know!
Julie
Saturday, September 1, 2012
If It Feels Good to Feel Good, Do It!!!
Good Morning All!
I've had a 'blog in my head' all week, but wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say. This morning, I've finally decided to just sit down and type to see where it goes.
I've discovered that a big part of 'The New Normal', for me at least, has been learning how to feel. I suppose it's much the same as losing other abilities, due to accidents, etc....when people suffer strokes/head trauma, they often have to learn to speak/ walk/ eat again with rehabilitation. And I think emotional trauma is often the same.....we have to rehab our feelings. It's not that the feelings aren't there, but I think in emotional trauma, we 'fake it', sometimes for so long that we forget which feelings are real and which are the 'faking it' ones.
I've long considered myself a generally positive and happy person. I think that's something that you choose, and I choose happy. I've realized, though, that for the last few years, in choosing 'happy', I had begun to use my 'happy' as a mask, rather than actually feeling it. I don't want to leave the impression that I ALWAYS faked 'happy' during that time, but LOTS of the time, it was my mask. I truly think, though, that I'd lost track of which one was which!As recovery's progressed, without realizing it, I've begun to rehabilitate my feelings, and my real, honest-to-goodness 'happy' is returning! BUT (because there always IS one), with that genuine feeling of 'happy' comes the question: "Am I really supposed to feel HAPPY right now? Is it too soon?? And how is it even possible that I feel happy when I've lost my son??"
I'm attending a study/support group called Grief Share. This past Monday night, we talked about this very thing......that as recovery from loss progresses, it sometimes feels 'odd' to feel good again, and we might even feel guilty for that. It's normal. YAY!!! Not only is it normal, it's ok to feel good again! YAY!!!!!
So, I'm not sure exactly when I ditched my 'happy mask'! All I can tell you is one day, I was smiling, and I realized it felt like it really fit my face! AND it's ok to say it out loud.....I'm HAPPY!! This profound epiphany has prompted me, this week, to think of all of the things in my life that DO make me happy. I thought I'd share a few. Some are huge, and some seem very insignificant to the naked eye, but all mean the world to me. I apologize in advance for the self-absorption, but, if you'd like to indulge me, please feel free to continue!
I'm happy because:
1) Though there are some fairly large things I'd like to change in my life, I find that I'm truly
content with things just as they are.
2) My daughter is TRULY happy/content, both in Mississippi and in her own skin.
3) My parents, though they face challenges, are genuinely content with their life together,
and are, without a doubt, more in love today than they've ever been.
4) I no longer feel guilty because I hate to cook. (It's actually the clean-up part that I hate,
but if you're gonna cook, you have to clean up, so I happily opt out of both MOST of the
time.)
5) My mother (I've promised never to tell her age again), who's a member of the 'wiser'
generation, can now text, and frequently uses the term 'butt dial'. I LOVE that!
6) I have friends who feel more like family, who love me in spite of me!
7) Bonds with my family who extend beyond Annie-Laurie and my parents have grown so
much stronger this past year.
8) My dad wears his Mississippi State cap almost constantly when Annie-Laurie and I visit.
9) The presence of my faith is something that I again feel on a daily basis.
10) I've learned to eat healthy, and I even sometimes exercise WILLINGLY.
There are 10. There are more, but you get the gist of it. If you happen to be among the one or two people still reading, I again thank you for the indulgence!!
Enjoy a great weekend wherever you are, and give extra hugs to the people you love!!!
Happily,
Julie :)
I've had a 'blog in my head' all week, but wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say. This morning, I've finally decided to just sit down and type to see where it goes.
I've discovered that a big part of 'The New Normal', for me at least, has been learning how to feel. I suppose it's much the same as losing other abilities, due to accidents, etc....when people suffer strokes/head trauma, they often have to learn to speak/ walk/ eat again with rehabilitation. And I think emotional trauma is often the same.....we have to rehab our feelings. It's not that the feelings aren't there, but I think in emotional trauma, we 'fake it', sometimes for so long that we forget which feelings are real and which are the 'faking it' ones.
I've long considered myself a generally positive and happy person. I think that's something that you choose, and I choose happy. I've realized, though, that for the last few years, in choosing 'happy', I had begun to use my 'happy' as a mask, rather than actually feeling it. I don't want to leave the impression that I ALWAYS faked 'happy' during that time, but LOTS of the time, it was my mask. I truly think, though, that I'd lost track of which one was which!As recovery's progressed, without realizing it, I've begun to rehabilitate my feelings, and my real, honest-to-goodness 'happy' is returning! BUT (because there always IS one), with that genuine feeling of 'happy' comes the question: "Am I really supposed to feel HAPPY right now? Is it too soon?? And how is it even possible that I feel happy when I've lost my son??"
I'm attending a study/support group called Grief Share. This past Monday night, we talked about this very thing......that as recovery from loss progresses, it sometimes feels 'odd' to feel good again, and we might even feel guilty for that. It's normal. YAY!!! Not only is it normal, it's ok to feel good again! YAY!!!!!
So, I'm not sure exactly when I ditched my 'happy mask'! All I can tell you is one day, I was smiling, and I realized it felt like it really fit my face! AND it's ok to say it out loud.....I'm HAPPY!! This profound epiphany has prompted me, this week, to think of all of the things in my life that DO make me happy. I thought I'd share a few. Some are huge, and some seem very insignificant to the naked eye, but all mean the world to me. I apologize in advance for the self-absorption, but, if you'd like to indulge me, please feel free to continue!
I'm happy because:
1) Though there are some fairly large things I'd like to change in my life, I find that I'm truly
content with things just as they are.
2) My daughter is TRULY happy/content, both in Mississippi and in her own skin.
3) My parents, though they face challenges, are genuinely content with their life together,
and are, without a doubt, more in love today than they've ever been.
4) I no longer feel guilty because I hate to cook. (It's actually the clean-up part that I hate,
but if you're gonna cook, you have to clean up, so I happily opt out of both MOST of the
time.)
5) My mother (I've promised never to tell her age again), who's a member of the 'wiser'
generation, can now text, and frequently uses the term 'butt dial'. I LOVE that!
6) I have friends who feel more like family, who love me in spite of me!
7) Bonds with my family who extend beyond Annie-Laurie and my parents have grown so
much stronger this past year.
8) My dad wears his Mississippi State cap almost constantly when Annie-Laurie and I visit.
9) The presence of my faith is something that I again feel on a daily basis.
10) I've learned to eat healthy, and I even sometimes exercise WILLINGLY.
There are 10. There are more, but you get the gist of it. If you happen to be among the one or two people still reading, I again thank you for the indulgence!!
Enjoy a great weekend wherever you are, and give extra hugs to the people you love!!!
Happily,
Julie :)
Friday, July 13, 2012
New Eyes
Good Morning!
I'm on my patio this morning, which has oddly turned into one of my most favorite happy places. Those of you who know my story, or follow this blog, know the significance of my backyard and the patio. This is a place to which, just a little over a year ago, I was certain I would never return. But this place has become a place of solace for me, and it's become my morning ritual to come out here with my coffee to watch and listen and to spend time with God.
I've made many, many friends here in this place. Each morning, Momma Doe crosses just up the hill in my backyard with The Twins....two beautiful baby fawns, who were just about the size of our dog, PJ, the first time I saw them. They're growing up too fast, as their cute little fawn spots are already starting to fade! Mr. Turtle came a couple of weeks ago. He's not here every day, but he comes around to visit every other day or so. At the beginning of the summer, Momma Wren honored us by choosing the flower pot on our patio table in which to build her nest, lay her eggs, and nurture her two baby birds, which we named Sydney and Blake. Momma Wren was quite a testament to the devotion which being a mother requires, as she diligently tended to her babies and her nest, being sure that the babies had plenty to eat, and that the nest was immaculate! Daddy Wren appeared to help out, too, bringing food to Momma, as she sat 24/7, it seemed, on those eggs just days before they hatched. (Yes! I watched them CLOSELY....more engrossed in watching the Wren Family's Story than I think I've ever been in a movie or even a book!) And there has almost daily been the appearance of a cardinal or two. This week, though, two bright red males have been nearly constantly flitting around near the patio.
My parents and PJ have Ms. Bunny, who has been a consistent visitor at their house all summer. Oddly, PJ only watches her.....VERY intently.....but has never made an effort to chase her. And Ms. Bunny reveals no concern whatsoever that she's in, many times, very close proximity to a lab-golden retriever mix, who, if he so chose, could eat her in one bite. Their 'relationship', as a matter of fact, is quite the antithesis of what the Golden-lab/Bunny relationship typically looks like! PJ and Ms. Bunny seem to be friends! Once, as my parents and PJ sat on their front porch, Ms. Bunny, apparently desiring a more intimate visit, jumped up to the top step of the porch and rested there for a time. Very odd! (By the way, we have no idea of the bunny's gender, but you know how sometimes you just get an impression? And besides, PJ seems to be 'in love' so, to us, Ms. Bunny's a girl!)
So, finally, to the point of this blog: I was sitting here with my coffee, watching my cardinals play and waiting for Momma Doe and the twins when a question came to my mind. Are our new friends God's way of bringing us peace? They DO bring us immense peace!! OR....have these friends always been here, and because we now view the world with our 'new eyes'', we're only now taking the time to notice them, and to nurture these new 'relationships' that we've established. I don't know the answer for sure, but I suspect the 'new eyes' have MUCH to do with it!
And so, while I SO hate the reason for which I now have these 'new eyes', I'm thankful for them! So odd to be thankful for something that's the direct result of a horrible thing!!! But therein lies our hope......that midst the most horrendous circumstances, God remains. And not only does He remain, He manages to absolutely inundate us with His most perfect peace in ways which we couldn't possibly imagine. So, really NONE of this is 'odd' at all! :)
Have a great day!
Julie
PS I'd like to ask all of you to keep my mom in your prayers, as she began radiation treatments for breast cancer this past Monday. So far, so good! Her spirits, as always, are up, and she and Daddy have made their daily trips to Festus for the treatments into an adventure, rather than a chore!! I hope I'm just like her when I grow up!! My mom's sister, Gaye, began her treatments this week also, and my cousin Jayne is undergoing cancer treatment....as well as several very close friends. I sure do HATE cancer!! Prayers appreciated!!!
I'm on my patio this morning, which has oddly turned into one of my most favorite happy places. Those of you who know my story, or follow this blog, know the significance of my backyard and the patio. This is a place to which, just a little over a year ago, I was certain I would never return. But this place has become a place of solace for me, and it's become my morning ritual to come out here with my coffee to watch and listen and to spend time with God.
I've made many, many friends here in this place. Each morning, Momma Doe crosses just up the hill in my backyard with The Twins....two beautiful baby fawns, who were just about the size of our dog, PJ, the first time I saw them. They're growing up too fast, as their cute little fawn spots are already starting to fade! Mr. Turtle came a couple of weeks ago. He's not here every day, but he comes around to visit every other day or so. At the beginning of the summer, Momma Wren honored us by choosing the flower pot on our patio table in which to build her nest, lay her eggs, and nurture her two baby birds, which we named Sydney and Blake. Momma Wren was quite a testament to the devotion which being a mother requires, as she diligently tended to her babies and her nest, being sure that the babies had plenty to eat, and that the nest was immaculate! Daddy Wren appeared to help out, too, bringing food to Momma, as she sat 24/7, it seemed, on those eggs just days before they hatched. (Yes! I watched them CLOSELY....more engrossed in watching the Wren Family's Story than I think I've ever been in a movie or even a book!) And there has almost daily been the appearance of a cardinal or two. This week, though, two bright red males have been nearly constantly flitting around near the patio.
My parents and PJ have Ms. Bunny, who has been a consistent visitor at their house all summer. Oddly, PJ only watches her.....VERY intently.....but has never made an effort to chase her. And Ms. Bunny reveals no concern whatsoever that she's in, many times, very close proximity to a lab-golden retriever mix, who, if he so chose, could eat her in one bite. Their 'relationship', as a matter of fact, is quite the antithesis of what the Golden-lab/Bunny relationship typically looks like! PJ and Ms. Bunny seem to be friends! Once, as my parents and PJ sat on their front porch, Ms. Bunny, apparently desiring a more intimate visit, jumped up to the top step of the porch and rested there for a time. Very odd! (By the way, we have no idea of the bunny's gender, but you know how sometimes you just get an impression? And besides, PJ seems to be 'in love' so, to us, Ms. Bunny's a girl!)
So, finally, to the point of this blog: I was sitting here with my coffee, watching my cardinals play and waiting for Momma Doe and the twins when a question came to my mind. Are our new friends God's way of bringing us peace? They DO bring us immense peace!! OR....have these friends always been here, and because we now view the world with our 'new eyes'', we're only now taking the time to notice them, and to nurture these new 'relationships' that we've established. I don't know the answer for sure, but I suspect the 'new eyes' have MUCH to do with it!
And so, while I SO hate the reason for which I now have these 'new eyes', I'm thankful for them! So odd to be thankful for something that's the direct result of a horrible thing!!! But therein lies our hope......that midst the most horrendous circumstances, God remains. And not only does He remain, He manages to absolutely inundate us with His most perfect peace in ways which we couldn't possibly imagine. So, really NONE of this is 'odd' at all! :)
Have a great day!
Julie
PS I'd like to ask all of you to keep my mom in your prayers, as she began radiation treatments for breast cancer this past Monday. So far, so good! Her spirits, as always, are up, and she and Daddy have made their daily trips to Festus for the treatments into an adventure, rather than a chore!! I hope I'm just like her when I grow up!! My mom's sister, Gaye, began her treatments this week also, and my cousin Jayne is undergoing cancer treatment....as well as several very close friends. I sure do HATE cancer!! Prayers appreciated!!!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Beautiful Garden, Beautiful Weekend, and Beautiful People in Beautiful Connecticut
Hi All--
I don't know that I've ever considered myself a 'true writer', and I don't know if I'm typical of others who write, but many times I 'write' in my head, sometimes several weeks, before I put my thoughts on paper. I've said that to say that I've been writing about THREE blogs in my head, and I've been a little preoccupied lately (which I'll address in a FOURTH new blog), and I hate that it's taken me this long to share our amazing weekend in Connecticut!
It really IS difficult for me to find words that convey all of the feelings we experienced that weekend! I think that, by now, I've sufficiently over-used the term 'bitter-sweet', but there's really no other way to describe what I was feeling that weekend! I have to say, though, that the sweetness FAR outweighed the bitter.
I was SO worried about being emotional as Annie-Laurie and I drove to the school on Friday night. I knew that stepping onto the Rectory Campus for the first time in a long while would be charged with so many different feelings.....the joy of being in a place that Chad SO loved, the sadness of the events that led to our being there, and the ache of once again 'seeing' him at his dorm, on the sports field, and just running around on campus as I watched the students going about their day. The first thing that I noticed as we walked across the campus was that I smelled the Easter Bunny.....and I giggled! If you've read my previous blogs, you understand what 'smelling the Easter Bunny' means!! Of course, it was the fragrance of the fresh mulch all over the campus, but I also knew that Chad was winking at me.... sending me a message that he was right there with us, and would remain there throughout the weekend. Truthfully, I believe that Chad spends LOTS of time on that Rectory Campus!!
It was SO good to give long awaited hugs to Kerri and Freddie Nagle, Chad's dorm parents, Claudia Abbott, Chad's tutor, and later, Paula Robinson, Chad's upstairs dorm mom. It truly felt like being home!!! That evening we enjoyed the school musical. The next morning, we brunched at Kerri and Freddie Nagle's home where we were able to get reacquainted with their older two children, Brooke and Brandon, who Chad considered his little sister and brother for the rest of his days, and the 'new to us' addition to their family, Ella, who is two-going-on-eighteen, or so!!! Chad anxiously awaited Ella's arrival, and though he never got to see her while he was here on earth, I have a feeling he's spent lots of time watching all three Nagle children during this past year.
After brunch, we made our way to campus to arrive just in time for the conclusion of the Rectory Regatta, a race involving boats which the students had made themselves. It was here that we first met Bill Abbott, Claudia's husband. (More about Claudia and Bill to come.)
That afternoon was the dedication ceremony...the most beautiful and touching ceremony I believe I've ever witnessed! Mr. Fred Williams, the Headmaster, opened with a lovely tribute, in which he shared that, as he'd gone that morning to look at the garden to be sure that all was in order, something caught his eye just off to the right of the garden. As he looked closer, he realized it was a stray lacrosse ball. Chad had learned to love the game of lacrosse while he was at Rectory, and spent LOTS of time walking around with his lacrosse stick and 'cradling' the ball (it's what lacrosse players do, apparently). Another little wink from Chad, I think. Claudia Abbott read a beautiful poem, which I'll share later in the blog, and a description of the garden written by Jen Fuller, the woman who created the beautiful garden. Jen couldn't be there that day, but I DO hope to have the opportunity to thank her for her amazing creation, and to give her a hug in person, as I've already hugged her many times in spirit! Freddie Nagle then gave the most heart-warming tribute to Chad....spoken straight from his heart, and reaffirming what I already knew.....that he and Kerri were the best two people that could possibly have been Chad's dorm parents, friends, and extensions of me during that time in his life!! I've no doubt that God chose them for that task, and they so much more than rose to the occasion!! The ceremony was concluded with a beautiful rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, performed by several of the Rectory students, a few of whom shared with me later that they remembered Chad while he was there. Somewhere Over the Rainbow has long been one of my favorite songs, but it holds new meaning for me today. I hadn't thought of it in the context of Chad's journey, but it DOES seem to fit perfectly!
On Sunday, the Nagles, Paula, Chad's soccer coach Tom Washburn, and another of Chad's tutors, Jamie Johnson, were welcomed into the Abbott's beautiful home for cheesecake, Chad's favorite, which Claudia had made for his birthday the year that he was at Rectory. It was a beautiful time of sharing in one of the most breathtaking and serene settings I've ever experienced. The Abbotts' home is truly like something I believe I've read about it books. Claudia and Bill's families owned neighboring farms, which is how they met as children and fell in love. They truly are a couple who, without saying a word, exhibit everything that the word 'partnership' means. It takes but a few minutes' time in their presence to feel surrounded by their love for each other, and for others, as well. Claudia, Chad always said, reminded him of my mother. And I can see, and feel, that resemblance!
It was difficult to leave Connecticut, knowing that it will be awhile before we'll go back for a visit! Since Chad's time at Rectory, I had always referred to the people there as 'Our Connecticut Family', and our trip there only etched that feeling SO much deeper into my heart. As I think about the Nagles, the Abbotts, Paula, the Riccis, Mr. Newman, the students who Chad knew, and all of the people who came to the dedication ceremony, I feel SUCH a rush of warmth and thanksgiving that each and every person there was placed in Chad's path, touching so many lives, but touching MY son's life. It wasn't by coincidence, or by fate......it was God's divine plan that these people be placed at Rectory during that particular moment in time, and I'm SO grateful to Him for that!! And SO glad that they will forever be in MY life! Rectory Family, I love you all more than you know!!
---Julie
Claudia's Beautiful Poem
The cardinal's song is a melody
Sung on the coldest of days
His presence brings us serenity
And safe in our hearts he stays
This garden embodies his spirit
While his wings continue to fly
His earthly presence we feel it
That's why we won't say good-bye.
The Nagles
The Abbotts
Annie-Laurie and Paula Robinson
I don't know that I've ever considered myself a 'true writer', and I don't know if I'm typical of others who write, but many times I 'write' in my head, sometimes several weeks, before I put my thoughts on paper. I've said that to say that I've been writing about THREE blogs in my head, and I've been a little preoccupied lately (which I'll address in a FOURTH new blog), and I hate that it's taken me this long to share our amazing weekend in Connecticut!
It really IS difficult for me to find words that convey all of the feelings we experienced that weekend! I think that, by now, I've sufficiently over-used the term 'bitter-sweet', but there's really no other way to describe what I was feeling that weekend! I have to say, though, that the sweetness FAR outweighed the bitter.
I was SO worried about being emotional as Annie-Laurie and I drove to the school on Friday night. I knew that stepping onto the Rectory Campus for the first time in a long while would be charged with so many different feelings.....the joy of being in a place that Chad SO loved, the sadness of the events that led to our being there, and the ache of once again 'seeing' him at his dorm, on the sports field, and just running around on campus as I watched the students going about their day. The first thing that I noticed as we walked across the campus was that I smelled the Easter Bunny.....and I giggled! If you've read my previous blogs, you understand what 'smelling the Easter Bunny' means!! Of course, it was the fragrance of the fresh mulch all over the campus, but I also knew that Chad was winking at me.... sending me a message that he was right there with us, and would remain there throughout the weekend. Truthfully, I believe that Chad spends LOTS of time on that Rectory Campus!!
It was SO good to give long awaited hugs to Kerri and Freddie Nagle, Chad's dorm parents, Claudia Abbott, Chad's tutor, and later, Paula Robinson, Chad's upstairs dorm mom. It truly felt like being home!!! That evening we enjoyed the school musical. The next morning, we brunched at Kerri and Freddie Nagle's home where we were able to get reacquainted with their older two children, Brooke and Brandon, who Chad considered his little sister and brother for the rest of his days, and the 'new to us' addition to their family, Ella, who is two-going-on-eighteen, or so!!! Chad anxiously awaited Ella's arrival, and though he never got to see her while he was here on earth, I have a feeling he's spent lots of time watching all three Nagle children during this past year.
After brunch, we made our way to campus to arrive just in time for the conclusion of the Rectory Regatta, a race involving boats which the students had made themselves. It was here that we first met Bill Abbott, Claudia's husband. (More about Claudia and Bill to come.)
That afternoon was the dedication ceremony...the most beautiful and touching ceremony I believe I've ever witnessed! Mr. Fred Williams, the Headmaster, opened with a lovely tribute, in which he shared that, as he'd gone that morning to look at the garden to be sure that all was in order, something caught his eye just off to the right of the garden. As he looked closer, he realized it was a stray lacrosse ball. Chad had learned to love the game of lacrosse while he was at Rectory, and spent LOTS of time walking around with his lacrosse stick and 'cradling' the ball (it's what lacrosse players do, apparently). Another little wink from Chad, I think. Claudia Abbott read a beautiful poem, which I'll share later in the blog, and a description of the garden written by Jen Fuller, the woman who created the beautiful garden. Jen couldn't be there that day, but I DO hope to have the opportunity to thank her for her amazing creation, and to give her a hug in person, as I've already hugged her many times in spirit! Freddie Nagle then gave the most heart-warming tribute to Chad....spoken straight from his heart, and reaffirming what I already knew.....that he and Kerri were the best two people that could possibly have been Chad's dorm parents, friends, and extensions of me during that time in his life!! I've no doubt that God chose them for that task, and they so much more than rose to the occasion!! The ceremony was concluded with a beautiful rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, performed by several of the Rectory students, a few of whom shared with me later that they remembered Chad while he was there. Somewhere Over the Rainbow has long been one of my favorite songs, but it holds new meaning for me today. I hadn't thought of it in the context of Chad's journey, but it DOES seem to fit perfectly!
On Sunday, the Nagles, Paula, Chad's soccer coach Tom Washburn, and another of Chad's tutors, Jamie Johnson, were welcomed into the Abbott's beautiful home for cheesecake, Chad's favorite, which Claudia had made for his birthday the year that he was at Rectory. It was a beautiful time of sharing in one of the most breathtaking and serene settings I've ever experienced. The Abbotts' home is truly like something I believe I've read about it books. Claudia and Bill's families owned neighboring farms, which is how they met as children and fell in love. They truly are a couple who, without saying a word, exhibit everything that the word 'partnership' means. It takes but a few minutes' time in their presence to feel surrounded by their love for each other, and for others, as well. Claudia, Chad always said, reminded him of my mother. And I can see, and feel, that resemblance!
It was difficult to leave Connecticut, knowing that it will be awhile before we'll go back for a visit! Since Chad's time at Rectory, I had always referred to the people there as 'Our Connecticut Family', and our trip there only etched that feeling SO much deeper into my heart. As I think about the Nagles, the Abbotts, Paula, the Riccis, Mr. Newman, the students who Chad knew, and all of the people who came to the dedication ceremony, I feel SUCH a rush of warmth and thanksgiving that each and every person there was placed in Chad's path, touching so many lives, but touching MY son's life. It wasn't by coincidence, or by fate......it was God's divine plan that these people be placed at Rectory during that particular moment in time, and I'm SO grateful to Him for that!! And SO glad that they will forever be in MY life! Rectory Family, I love you all more than you know!!
---Julie
Claudia's Beautiful Poem
The cardinal's song is a melody
Sung on the coldest of days
His presence brings us serenity
And safe in our hearts he stays
This garden embodies his spirit
While his wings continue to fly
His earthly presence we feel it
That's why we won't say good-bye.
The Nagles
The Band
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The Garden
Friends--
The day after tomorrow will mark one year since the day my life turned upside down. I've referred to it a few times as 'the one-year anniversary'. But then it occurred to me that 'anniversary' generally refers to the celebration of something. On one hand, May 17th doesn't automatically make me think, 'Hey! Let's celebrate!' Quite the contrary!! But on the other hand, May 17th, 2011 was the beginning of Chad's journey into perfect peace.....the ultimate of the 'bitter-sweets'! As Chad's mother who loves him so and misses him tragically, how could I possibly celebrate? But, as Chad's mother who loves God so, how could I NOT celebrate.....knowing beyond doubt that Chad is living free of sadness and pain......where every day is a perfect day.
A couple of months ago, Annie-Laurie called to ask what we would do during these few days. We decided that we'd think about taking a trip after school was out on Friday, the last day of the school year, and my last day of work before summer vacation. Just a few days after our conversation, I received a phone call from Mr. Fred Williams, the Headmaster at The Rectory School, the school in Connecticut that Chad attended during his 8th grade year. He told me that the school was planning to remember Chad by dedicating the gardens outside of Hamilton Dormitory (the dorm where Chad lived while he was there) as a remembrance to him! I am both astounded and touched beyond words by such a gesture! To make a long story short, the dedication ceremony will be held this weekend during the school's Alumni Weekend. So....Annie-Laurie and I will leave on Thursday morning to take our trip to Pomfret, Connecticut to attend the dedication ceremony of the Chad Tipton Memorial Garden! And we WILL be celebrating!
Incidentally, the date was a complete coincidence.....at least here on earth it was! :)
Much love to all--
Julie
The day after tomorrow will mark one year since the day my life turned upside down. I've referred to it a few times as 'the one-year anniversary'. But then it occurred to me that 'anniversary' generally refers to the celebration of something. On one hand, May 17th doesn't automatically make me think, 'Hey! Let's celebrate!' Quite the contrary!! But on the other hand, May 17th, 2011 was the beginning of Chad's journey into perfect peace.....the ultimate of the 'bitter-sweets'! As Chad's mother who loves him so and misses him tragically, how could I possibly celebrate? But, as Chad's mother who loves God so, how could I NOT celebrate.....knowing beyond doubt that Chad is living free of sadness and pain......where every day is a perfect day.
A couple of months ago, Annie-Laurie called to ask what we would do during these few days. We decided that we'd think about taking a trip after school was out on Friday, the last day of the school year, and my last day of work before summer vacation. Just a few days after our conversation, I received a phone call from Mr. Fred Williams, the Headmaster at The Rectory School, the school in Connecticut that Chad attended during his 8th grade year. He told me that the school was planning to remember Chad by dedicating the gardens outside of Hamilton Dormitory (the dorm where Chad lived while he was there) as a remembrance to him! I am both astounded and touched beyond words by such a gesture! To make a long story short, the dedication ceremony will be held this weekend during the school's Alumni Weekend. So....Annie-Laurie and I will leave on Thursday morning to take our trip to Pomfret, Connecticut to attend the dedication ceremony of the Chad Tipton Memorial Garden! And we WILL be celebrating!
Incidentally, the date was a complete coincidence.....at least here on earth it was! :)
Much love to all--
Julie
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The Lunchtime Bird (One of two new bird stories)
Today, when I returned to the Middle School from getting lunch, I walked upstairs toward my room to find that a bird had decided to come inside for a visit. One of my friends, Kim, was already ‘on it’, trying to figure out how to get the little bird, first of all, OFF of the bell which was prone to ring at any moment, and, second of all, outside. Being the mom of a cockatiel for about 15 years, and foster mom to a parrot, and having a new fascination with birds (particularly cardinals) these past several months, I definitely wanted to be a part of the mission to help the little bird find his way to more appropriate surroundings……and hopefully before the end of lunch recess, when the hallways would fill with fifth and sixth graders!
At some point, a third teacher friend, Jennifer, joined in, and, equipped with a trash can and a tee-shirt from lost and found, the three of us attempted to either catch the bird and take him to freedom, or to coax him to seek and find freedom on his own. We weren’t sure, exactly HOW it would turn out! Our building is built with the hallways making a big square. The bird, indeed lead us all the way around the square, with the three of us in hot pursuit. As we came to the completion of the full square, the bird got to the doorway to my room, which was open, and he flew in. We closed the door so that he would be contained, and I removed the screens from my windows. After the three of us attempted to coax, scare, coerce, etc….this little bird toward the window to no avail, we decided to leave the little bird to calm down a bit, and to hopefully discover one of the two open windows on his own. I had about 10 minutes before kids would be coming for ‘speech’, so I turned off the light, and sat to quietly do some paperwork. As it inched closer to time for my kiddos to arrive, the bird remained in the corner, a mere few feet from my window. I again, began an attempt to coerce him to the window. Finally, the bird lit on some file folders that I have in a rack right beside one of the open windows. I held my breath, hoping the bird would feel the breeze from outside, and realize that the breeze meant ‘outside’, and that ‘outside’ meant ‘home’! He seemed to be oblivious, though. So I said, ‘Chad! Call him! Tell him which direction to fly!’ After only a few seconds (I promise you this is he complete truth!) the bird chirped a couple of times. I said to the bird, ‘Go
with Chad!’ The bird chirped again and turned toward the window, paused for a second (I think to let me soak it all in), and flew away.
I had a small cry, and went on with my day…but with the reassurance that Chad and I continue to share a connection. Now, I concede that this COULD very well have been one big coincidence! I choose, though, to believe that it was truly a ‘God thing’…an opportunity for Him to once again assure me that death, in Him at least, is nothing more than a different level of living.
Thanks for the help with the bird today, Chad!! Love you! And thank you, God, for another chance to spend some time with my son!
Mom
Saturday, January 14, 2012
The Best is Yet to Be.....
Annie-Laurie,
Twenty years ago today, God gave me the first of my two most precious gifts....a beautiful baby girl! And, through you, He showed me a new level of love that I'd never experienced or thought possible! I remember rocking you when you were just a few days old, and thinking, 'She's so wise!!' It struck me then that to think that a newborn baby girl could seem 'wise' was a little absurd, but that thought didn't change my perception. And, as it turns out, that perception was absolutely right on the mark!
As you began to evolve into the beautiful woman that you are, I was so proud to watch your inner beauty even outshine your outer beauty, while that mysterious wisdom which God instilled in you has continued to grow beyond your years. On that first of your birthdays, if your life had been lain out before me, and I'd been given the opportunity to orchestrate it exactly as I would have wanted it, there would definitely have been events that I would have chosen to remove. However, watching you walk through those events with grace and a faith that's deeper than I can imagine has made me prouder than you'll ever know!
You've been absolutely everything I could have dreamed for a daughter to be all rolled up into one little person! I love that you have the femininity to be so much of a 'girly-girl' that you like shoes even more than I do! And yet you also have enough spunk to feel completely at home on a football practice field! Precisely the perfect blend of sugar and spice!! In several cases, you've proven to be 'the voice of reason' within our family, and in the face of circumstances that would have positively derailed most adults, you've managed to maintain your focus and your faith in God, only to become stronger! I truly AM amazed by you!
Today, as you turn 20, I want to tell you 'thanks' for your patience and your compassion, for being a hero to your brother, and for stepping up to the plate when it would have been completely understandable for you to fall apart. You're MY hero, too, and I love you more than you know!
While I'd love to 'plan' your next 80-or so years, God has taught me that He's a much better planner than I could ever hope to be, and I have no doubt that He's got all that covered. So I'll just enjoy watching it all unfold!! The best is yet to be, My Love!!!
Happy Birthday!!
XOXO
Momma
Twenty years ago today, God gave me the first of my two most precious gifts....a beautiful baby girl! And, through you, He showed me a new level of love that I'd never experienced or thought possible! I remember rocking you when you were just a few days old, and thinking, 'She's so wise!!' It struck me then that to think that a newborn baby girl could seem 'wise' was a little absurd, but that thought didn't change my perception. And, as it turns out, that perception was absolutely right on the mark!
As you began to evolve into the beautiful woman that you are, I was so proud to watch your inner beauty even outshine your outer beauty, while that mysterious wisdom which God instilled in you has continued to grow beyond your years. On that first of your birthdays, if your life had been lain out before me, and I'd been given the opportunity to orchestrate it exactly as I would have wanted it, there would definitely have been events that I would have chosen to remove. However, watching you walk through those events with grace and a faith that's deeper than I can imagine has made me prouder than you'll ever know!
You've been absolutely everything I could have dreamed for a daughter to be all rolled up into one little person! I love that you have the femininity to be so much of a 'girly-girl' that you like shoes even more than I do! And yet you also have enough spunk to feel completely at home on a football practice field! Precisely the perfect blend of sugar and spice!! In several cases, you've proven to be 'the voice of reason' within our family, and in the face of circumstances that would have positively derailed most adults, you've managed to maintain your focus and your faith in God, only to become stronger! I truly AM amazed by you!
Today, as you turn 20, I want to tell you 'thanks' for your patience and your compassion, for being a hero to your brother, and for stepping up to the plate when it would have been completely understandable for you to fall apart. You're MY hero, too, and I love you more than you know!
While I'd love to 'plan' your next 80-or so years, God has taught me that He's a much better planner than I could ever hope to be, and I have no doubt that He's got all that covered. So I'll just enjoy watching it all unfold!! The best is yet to be, My Love!!!
Happy Birthday!!
XOXO
Momma
Friday, January 13, 2012
The 'Firsts'.....They Came and Went and We Can Still Smile!! (Sorry this one's so long!)
Well....we made it!! The holiday season came and went, and we're feeling, as a family, as blessed as ever! Thanksgiving was simply beautiful at my Aunt Judy and Uncle Bob's house: 1) simply because we were all together; and 2) because my Aunt Judy and Uncle Bob do nothing half-way! It was perfect! Though Annie-Laurie had football practice (I still crack up every time I say that!) on Thanksgiving morning, she was able go over to Jackson to enjoy dinner with us, and to spend the night. MS State won the Egg Bowl the following Saturday, completing the almost-perfect holiday!!!
Though we initially didn't think that Annie-Laurie would be able to come home before Christmas, the MS State 'Football People' took a break on December 20th, and Annie-Laurie headed home. Less than 30 minutes after she arrived, 'the girls' came, and I was carried back to their high school days, when our house was routinely filled with laughing girls. What a treat that was!! We spent Christmas Eve at my parents' house, and Annie-Laurie left Christmas morning to go to Nashville to prepare for the Music City Bowl. I'm happy to report that, once again, MS State prevailed!!! Annie-Laurie, for all practical purposes, 'slept off' the week through New Year's Eve, before we returned to Cape for the remainder of our break.
On December 29th, we lost my Aunt Mimi, my dad's sister. While it wasn't unexpected, it was still difficult to say goodbye. Her memorial service was held this past Saturday, January 7th, Chad's 18th birthday. It was another one of those bittersweet times, as we were so sad to experiene another special day without Chad's physical presence, but were so blessed to be surrounded with family! There WERE plenty of tears, but laughter, too, as we remembered Chad.....hard to think about him without laughing!
In remembering Chad on his birthday, I thought about all of the things that I wished for him to be when I knew that he was on his way to us. I wanted a brown-eyed blonde ALL boy! I wanted him to be masculine, yet sensitive. I'm not sure if I specified 'funny', but since laughter is such an important element in my life, I suppose that may have just been understood. Well....if you knew Chad, you know that I got exactly what I asked for! Though his life was short, I believe with all of my heart that Chad completed the mission for which he was sent to earth. I may never know specifically what that was, but I DO know that he touched lives while he was here. And I know that his memory still makes many people smile....and sometimes laugh out loud! What more could we possibly want for our children than to make people happy? The only other thing that I can think that we would want is peace. Today, as I write this, I am content in knowing that my son has both of those things.....the ability to bring smiles to the faces of those who knew him, and peace. All IS right with the world.
Tomorrow, I will face the fact that I am the mother of a 20 year old! Yes, Annie-Laurie turned 2 exactly a week after Chad was born! I think that's possibly the only thing in my life that makes me appear organized!!! Though I'd love to gloat that I planned it that way, I have to admit that it was pure chance! Tomorrow, a blog devoted entirely to her on her day!!
Those of you who knew Chad, do me a favor, and take a second to remember something he did that made you smile!
Love to All......
J
Though we initially didn't think that Annie-Laurie would be able to come home before Christmas, the MS State 'Football People' took a break on December 20th, and Annie-Laurie headed home. Less than 30 minutes after she arrived, 'the girls' came, and I was carried back to their high school days, when our house was routinely filled with laughing girls. What a treat that was!! We spent Christmas Eve at my parents' house, and Annie-Laurie left Christmas morning to go to Nashville to prepare for the Music City Bowl. I'm happy to report that, once again, MS State prevailed!!! Annie-Laurie, for all practical purposes, 'slept off' the week through New Year's Eve, before we returned to Cape for the remainder of our break.
On December 29th, we lost my Aunt Mimi, my dad's sister. While it wasn't unexpected, it was still difficult to say goodbye. Her memorial service was held this past Saturday, January 7th, Chad's 18th birthday. It was another one of those bittersweet times, as we were so sad to experiene another special day without Chad's physical presence, but were so blessed to be surrounded with family! There WERE plenty of tears, but laughter, too, as we remembered Chad.....hard to think about him without laughing!
In remembering Chad on his birthday, I thought about all of the things that I wished for him to be when I knew that he was on his way to us. I wanted a brown-eyed blonde ALL boy! I wanted him to be masculine, yet sensitive. I'm not sure if I specified 'funny', but since laughter is such an important element in my life, I suppose that may have just been understood. Well....if you knew Chad, you know that I got exactly what I asked for! Though his life was short, I believe with all of my heart that Chad completed the mission for which he was sent to earth. I may never know specifically what that was, but I DO know that he touched lives while he was here. And I know that his memory still makes many people smile....and sometimes laugh out loud! What more could we possibly want for our children than to make people happy? The only other thing that I can think that we would want is peace. Today, as I write this, I am content in knowing that my son has both of those things.....the ability to bring smiles to the faces of those who knew him, and peace. All IS right with the world.
Tomorrow, I will face the fact that I am the mother of a 20 year old! Yes, Annie-Laurie turned 2 exactly a week after Chad was born! I think that's possibly the only thing in my life that makes me appear organized!!! Though I'd love to gloat that I planned it that way, I have to admit that it was pure chance! Tomorrow, a blog devoted entirely to her on her day!!
Those of you who knew Chad, do me a favor, and take a second to remember something he did that made you smile!
Love to All......
J
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