Friday, December 6, 2013

The Very Quiet Snowday..

A few months ago, with the help of a very good and very wise pastor and friend, I discovered that the cocoon of shock that God had so mercifully provided me for two years had worn off.  It was time for me to enter the next stage in this annoying grief process...the time to 'feel' it without the benefit of that blissfully numbing cocoon.  Just this past week when my friend and I chatted, I expressed my impatience with this process....my desire to just get it over with!  He assimilated this stage to a wound that, as it's healing, becomes frustratingly itchy.  A PERFECT analogy.

Today was a quiet snowday.   I've never outgrown the excitement of snowdays!  Yesterday, in anticipation of an early dismissal, I'm certain that I was no more focused on 'school' than were any of the fifth and sixth graders in my building.  And waking up this morning to realize, 'It's a snowday!!!!' was the same feeling that I've had about snowdays since I was in kindergarten.....a day with NO plans....a gift.

It WAS a good day.  But as the day progressed, I began to realize how very, VERY quiet it was.  And late this afternoon, as I watched the snowfall begin to slow, it struck me how perfectly pristine the snow looked in my front yard....completely untouched, but for a few random deer tracks.  And there was that annoying itch again as I thought about what snowdays used to be like around here.  They were NEVER quiet, and the snow only looked pristine for as long as it took to find the gloves and headbands and the sleds and the snowboards.  As someone who viewed school as a major cramp in his style, I'm sure there's never been a boy who enjoyed a snowday more than Chad!  So the perfectly snow-frosted front yard suddenly looked very wrong....very out of place. 

Tomorrow, I will go out and disturb that perfect snow.  Though I probably will leave the sleds and snowboards in the garage, I think I just might build a snowman!  And I'll look for those three cardinals I saw perched in my pear tree today.  I have a feeling they'll be back tomorrow!  :)

Life is good......even if it itches sometimes!

Julie

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Eric..

I had a dream about my friend, Eric, last night.  I don't know where we were, but we were in a very crowded place, and I suddenly saw Eric across the room, sitting beside his mother, and my heart leaped.  I began running across the room to hug him, but I lost sight of him, and then he was gone.

Eric was one of my very best friends.   His parents were like my parents, and mine were like his.  When we met, he was 12 and I was 14, and I, of course, thought he was just a kid.  I don't remember when Eric first gave me 'zingers' (like butterflies in your stomach, only more like fireworks), but one day he did.  And no boy before or since has given me zingers like the ones that Eric gave me!  By the time that happened, though, Eric and I had begun to think of each other as a brother and sister.  We did go out on a real date once, but when we kissed each other goodnight, we both began to laugh, and Eric made some sarcastic remark about incest.  His sense of humor was just one of the things I so loved about him. 

I also loved Eric's wisdom and depth.  Though he was a full year and 364 days younger than me, I always thought of him as an older brother, rather than a younger one....at least after I had stopped thinking of him as a kid!  His perspective, to me, always seemed so beyond our years, and I remember wondering then how he could possibly know so much about life.

Today would be Eric's 48th birthday, but 22 years ago this past May, a car wreck took Eric away much too soon.  Just as Eric's life had a profound affect upon mine, his death impacted me as nothing had before, leaving a very large hole in my heart.  I never could have dreamed that, in his leaving, Eric was preparing me for  something unimaginable.  Though Chad was, at that time, a mere wish in my heart, without my conscious knowledge, God was using Eric's life and death to teach me to deal with events that wouldn't occur until 20 years later.  I don't remember the exact date of Eric's passing, for the date that he entered this world seems much more important than the date that he left it, but I know that it was very nearly 20 years to the date  from the day that Chad left us.  Who could have known that as I was watching the faith and the grace that Eric's parents displayed during those terrible days, they were teaching me how to endure the death of my own unborn son?  Though they were  already like a second set of parents to me, having learned those important lessons from them has cemented that bond.

More than once during his life, I told Chad that I truly believed that he was channeling my friend Eric, because their senses of humor were so similar...and, hearing me make that statement would make both of them roll their eyes and say that I'm being dramatic.  But it is true that there were many similarities.  Chad, too, seemed to know more about life than I would have expected him to know at a young age.  Perhaps when one's life is destined to be so short, God implants an extraordinary amount of wisdom.

 Knowing that Eric and Chad...the two boys that I've loved most...have finally met gives me peace.  I imagine that Eric is teaching Chad to like baseball, and Chad is teaching Eric to like soccer, and I know for certain that they've become great friends.

I sure wish that, in my dream, I'd made it across that room to hug Eric...his hugs were some of the best ones!

Happy birthday, Eric....I sure do miss you!

Julie


Sunday, July 7, 2013

Kimmie....

Good Morning, Friends--

There was a period in my life a few years ago...in the years leading up to my son's death...in which I felt like I was living under a very dark, and very heavy cloud.  During that time, my office was located in the Central Junior High School building, right next door to the classroom of Kimberly Adelson.  Kimmie was one of only a very small handful of people who knew some of what was going on in my life back then.  Nearly everyday, we had lunch together with Kelly and Di.  And if I wasn't able to schedule my lunch back at the Junior High, Kimmie and I generally found at least a moment to sit down for a chat at some point during the day.  I SO loved those talks!  Sometimes we talked about 'my cloud', but usually we just talked about everything else!  I'm not sure that I've ever fully expressed to Kimmie how much those talks meant to me then....and still mean to me these  years later.  Those talks helped me to forget 'my cloud', and made me feel 'normal' for a little awhile.  But, most importantly, Kimmie never failed....NEVER failed....to make me laugh.  Laughing is, I think, my most favorite thing to do, so if someone can make me laugh, they instantly are given a special part of my heart.  Kimmie most definitely has one of those parts!

During my last year at the Junior High, Kimmie began to experience health issues.  After many, many, MANY procedures and misdiagnoses, a very rare form of cancer was discovered.  Kimmie fought and beat not one, but two rounds of that crappy cancer, and survived a stem cell transplant.  Kimmie's fight was fierce, but, through it all, she never lost her spirit or her sense of humor, and was a living testament of faith, strength, and resilience.....AND survival.  She just recently celebrated her one year post-transplant birthday, and was preparing to settle into her new home near her mom and step-dad in sunny Arizona, where everyday is the perfect golf day!

Late last week, Kimmie was stricken with Guillain-Barre Syndrome, which research tells me, can be every bit as crappy as cancer.  The paralysis has currently consumed Kimmie's body, and she has been admitted to the ICU at Banner Del E Webb Memorial Hospital in Arizona.   Once again, Kimmie has been given a battle
 to fight, and she needs some prayer warriors to join with her in that battle.  I feel pretty certain that most, if not all, who read this blog believe in the power of prayer, so I'm asking you to please join us in Kimmie's battle.  She needs another miracle, and I STRONGLY believe in miracles.....and so does Kimmie.  Let's please blanket her in prayer for her peace, comfort, and complete healing.  Thanks in advance, and I'll keep you posted!  In case you're a 'card person', here's the address of the hospital:  Banner Deal E Webb Memorial Hospital; 14502 W. Meeker Blvd; Sun City West, AZ  85375.

                                                                     
You and God have got this, Kimmie!  Love you!

Love,
Julie

Saturday, June 15, 2013

My Dad....

Tomorrow I will go to Park Hills for Father's Day.  We'll go to church and I'll stay for the day to visit, but Daddy most likely won't realize that it's Father's Day.  Mom and I will tell him, but in just a few minutes he will have forgotten.  He might ask me several times if I still live in that house on the hill.  Or he might ask me if I go to school at Mississippi State.  We're never sure what the 'conversation of the day' will be.  The day won't necessarily be sad because of that.....just different.  It's a difference that we've progressively grown accustomed to.

My father is a minister, and has been since a very young age.  I have no idea how many couples he's united, how many people he's eulogized, or how many people he's touched through his ministry....but it's LOTS.  Hes always been more of a listener, but when my dad did choose to speak, you could bet that his words would mean a great deal.  He could quote scripture that would apply perfectly to any given circumstance, and he's composed and delivered some of the most beautiful sermons I've ever heard.  And, while 'tenderness' has always been a little out of the box for him, my dad's ability to provide comfort to people has always been the thing that has made me most proud of him.

My dad has dementia.  He is no longer able to share his wisdom, his advice, his jokes.....but glimpses of the man that he is still emerge sometimes.  If we're watching an old comedy on TV, I still get to hear his wonderful laugh. And I still get to feel his hugs.   And while there IS the cruelty of the awful dementia, the blessing is that, while he knows that Chad is no longer here with us, he doesn't remember the circumstances of that.  So there always IS a blessing.

So, tomorrow will be different...just a shade different from Father's Day last year, which was a shade different from Father's Day the year before.....but still it's a blessing to be able to continue to spend time with my most favorite man in the whole world!  Despite the differences, he's still my Daddy, and I'm so glad he's here!



Friday, May 17, 2013

Hope

Hello All--

I haven't posted more news about the baby cardinals because their story became a sad one.  That unseasonable cold snap with all the rain last week wasn't good for baby cardinals as it turned out, and they didn't make it.  When I checked the nest after the rain, I saw the two lifeless babies left there.  Initially, I was a little perturbed with Momma Cardinal for abandoning her babies.  But throughout the day, I saw her visiting the nest, and when I checked the nest later, the babies were gone.  I asked her to forgive me for thinking she had deserted them, and I told her that I felt her loss.

A friend told me (and I confirmed it on Google) that cardinals (who, incidentally mate for life :) ) typically have two 'clutches' per year.  So I hoped that perhaps Momma and Daddy Cardinal wouldn't be frightened to try again to raise a family somewhere close to my house.  I had been noticing that some sprigs were appearing above an outdoor speaker on my patio...up near the eave.  Sure enough, I was able to confirm yesterday that there's a new nest!  I  And it is, in fact, a cardinal nest!!  When I figure out how to load pictures from my phone onto my computer, I'll post the VERY CUTE picture of Momma Cardinal's tail sticking out of the nest!  Sometimes you can just barely see her beak, too, but I haven't been able to get close enough to get that picture without scaring her.

Annie-Laurie asked me how I could be sure that it's the same Momma and Daddy Cardinal that built the first nest, and I told her I just know!  Because we've both experienced the loss of children, Momma Cardinal and I have become kindred spirits, so I know she would trust me enough to build another nest in my yard!!! 

Just last year, as soon as Annie-Laurie and I had gotten home from Connecticut, some wrens had built a nest in a flower pot on our patio table.  And this year, just a few feet away from that table, is the cardinal nest.  While I realize that this is the time of year when birds build nests, I have to believe that these two nests so near to my 'happy place' on the patio, and during this very pertinant time in our lives, are much more than a mere coincidence!  God and Chad are working together to remind me that the world is a good place....a place worthy of new life, and of hope.



Again, I'll keep you posted!!

Love,
Julie

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Baby Cardinals!!!!

A couple days ago, I was in my family room and I noticed two cardinals, a male and a female, and they seemed to be.....canoodling in my azalea bush right outside one of my windows.  So, of course, I stopped to watch!  Afterall, they couldn't see me!  As it turned out, he was feeding her!  She was sitting in a nest!!!  YES!  I have a cardinal nest less than a foot from one of the windows in my family room!!  I'm thinking that the Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal's timing and location of their new family is definitely not a coincidence!  I'm watching closely and will keep you posted!!!  :)

Monday, April 29, 2013

Two Women A Generation Apart on a Mission to Move Forward

This past Tuesday, I was feeling a little down in the dumps, so I went shopping.  Surprisingly, the shopping did very little to improve my mood.  On my way home, I stopped in to visit with my neighbor, Opal.  Opal, like my mom, would probably not want me to share her age publicly, but, also like my mom, Opal is very, very young for her age!  She's a teeny-tiny, beautiful little lady who can be described as no less than a spitfire!!  I think she would appreciate that description.  Opal and her husband Gene moved next door about 17 years ago.  Annie-Laurie and Chad quickly adopted Opal and Gene as their third set of grandparents.  Chad, particularly, spent lots of time visiting at their house. 

As life sometimes does, it got in the way and the kids and I spent less time visiting at Opal and Gene's, and, sadly, I didn't realize how quickly Gene's health was failing.  Just a couple months after I returned home from my stay in Arizona in 2011, we lost Gene.  Since then, Opal and I have begun to spend more time together.  Right after Mr. Gene died, Opal and I talked lots about learning to live alone, with me becoming an 'empty nester' a little sooner than I expected, and her becoming a widow sooner than she expected.   Sounds like a sad story?  Nope!  Not a sad story at all!!  While we do  share some tears, we share far more laughter, and I only wish that I could make Opal laugh as much as SHE makes ME laugh!  She always has a Twix bar, and she always has beer, and she never fails to cheer me up.  So when I stopped at her house last Tuesday, I knew that I was in the right place!

That day, Opal and I made plans to have dinner tonight.    Today was another one of  'those days', and by the time I got home from work, I was A LOT down in the dumps.  I was tempted to call Opal and cancel on dinner, get into my jammies, and spend the evening in bed watching Monday night TV.  But I didn't.  And I'm SO glad I didn't!!  Once again, it was Opal to the rescue!   We went to the Casino, and I'm pretty sure I laughed at least 1000 times! 

 I love spending time with Opal, hearing stories of her sons and their families, of her life with Gene.  But the thing that I love most is her spirit, her flair, and her zest for living......AND the fact that she makes me laugh so easily.  My mom has a friend who's my age.  I'm pretty sure that their relationship is much the same as the relationship that Opal and I have.  What wonderful gifts are these two women who refuse to be 'old', who can 'hang out' with us 'youngsters'.....and who teach us so much about living!   I hope that when I'm 'that age that shall remain nameless' I, too, will have a 'younger generation friend' who will come to see me when she wants to laugh!!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Gifts.......

Hi All--

In addition to Chad's birthday letter, I want to share a couple of things in honor of his birthday.  Several months ago, I received a poem from Justin Kim, one of Chad's friends from Rectory, that he had written about Chad.  And just a few weeks ago, I received an essay that another one of Chad's friends from Rectory, Miko McGuire had written about Chad as part of a college entrance requirement.

I've said many times, and probably previously on this blog, that one of the very best gifts that a mother who has lost a child can receive is simply the knowledge that others remember.  These two pieces are certainly precious gifts to me, and with Justin and Miko's permission, I'd like to share them with you.

God bless, and have a wonderful evening!

Julie


Miko's Essay:

Its for a friend. This is the explanation I give to someone who asks why I have CJT written on all of my wrestling shoes. Every time I lace up my shoes and step on to the mat, whether Im about to have a six-minute battle with an All-American or get a quick pin and sit back on the bench, I think about my friend Chad.   

            Chadwick Jauch Tipton was my middle school wrestling partner. We struggled together through our brutal practices and the long winter season. In eighth grade, after pushing each other past the point of exhaustion day after day, our team capped of its undefeated season by winning the Junior New England Wrestling Championships. I am sure Chad would remember this as one of the happiest days of his life.

         Chad hung himself the spring of my sophomore year. By this time, I was boarding at Tabor Academy and he was in public school back home in Missouri. At first, Chads suicide didnt sink in. No matter how much I talked to my friends about it, I could not manage to convince myself that he had actually committed suicide. I could not imagine that a cheerful kid I knew so well had become depressed to the point that he no longer wanted to live. It wasnt until Chads memorial service at our old school that my disbelief was replaced with grief and devastation.

At the service, we listened to teachers and alumni reminisce about Chad. I have always been a person who bottles up his emotions and I cannot even remember the last time I cried out loud. However, sitting next to our old wrestling coach at Chads service, the events of the past week finally hit me and I could not take it. I broke down in front hundreds of my peers. I sobbed as my head swirled with memories of Chad and I in the wrestling room, using each other as the motivation needed to never give up. Wrestling had been a bonding experience for us, and the closeness we had developed made losing him even harder.

            Trying to go back to leading a normal high school career just days after losing someone close to me was painful, but as time went on I learned to use my emotions as motivation in the same way Chad motivated me in middle school. When I find myself exhausted and ready to throw in the towel, I look down at my wrestling shoes and read the letters CJT. These initials represent so much more to me than a name. When I see CJT, I am able to ignore my bodys cries for rest and work harder than anyone else in the room. I can accept now that Chad is dead, but his spirit lives on and stays with me everyday of my life, making sure that I remember my goals and always leave it all on the mat.
 
 

Justin Kim

Mrs. Debra Larson

English 401W.E/ The self-portrait poem

18 February 2012

 

You Bring Out The Chad in Me

You bring out the Chad in me.

The Missouri boy with a southern accent in me.

The hurtful racist jokes in me.

But the endless compliments in me.

The abundant hugs in me.

 

You bring out the coach in me.

The soccer and lacrosse teams in me.

The treating like a brother in me.

The practicing in the rain and snow in me.

The great athlete with sportsmanship in me.

 

You bring out the parent in me.

The scolding and consulting in me.

The Dave & Busters in me.

The special hand shake in me.

The brother from another mother in me.

 

You bring out the knowledge of death in me.

The months of depression and sorrow in me.

The unforgettable memories of us in me.

The revelation of the real life  in me.

You bring out the Chad in me.

This poem is dedicated to my great friend, Chad Tipton.

Happy Birthday, Chadly!!

Chad,

Nineteen years ago tonight, I had just given birth to a perfect little boy.  I was a little tired and VERY hungry, and your dad and I celebrated your birth with a Domino's pizza!  We had a beautiful, spunky little girl, exactly one week shy of two years old, and now we had our boy.  I remember thinking that all was right with the world!!!

You were born just exactly the way you lived your life--in your very own terms!!  Your first due date was December 18th, which was changed to December 24th.  Your sister had been born precisely on her due date.  But you....you were all about making an entrance.....in your own time!!  When labor was finally induced early that morning, you continued to take your time.  I watched The Morning Show, I napped, watched The Young and the Restless, napped, watched Wheel of Fortune.....well, you get the picture.  You finally made your appearance a little after nine that night.....a pink, perfect, little bundle (not so little, actually, just one ounce short of nine pounds!) of ALL boy!!  And I was head over heels in love with you!

Life with you was NEVER boring!  Even as a tiny baby, you made me laugh.  And very soon you established yourself as the comic relief in a home that was so often in need of comic relief!!!   Your comedic timing was there from day one!  You always had just the right facial expression, exactly the right words, and such a keen observation of people!!  Life was about how much fun you could have and about how many people you could make laugh.  We should all adopt just a fraction of that approach to life!

But your life wasn't ALL about comedy.  You were a listener.  You often were just 'there' for others.  I knew a little about that while you were here, but I've learned more about that side of you since you've been gone.  Your true love for people was so very apparent to all who knew you, and you didn't hesitate to show that.

Though your life was much shorter than I anticipated...or wanted...it was a WONDERFUL life you lived.  One only needs to go to your Facebook page today to see just what kind of life you lived.  You touched people.  You made an impression.  I can't think of a better legacy to leave on this earth than for those who knew you to think about you with a smile, a laugh, a warm feeling.....knowing that their lives are a bit fuller and brighter because you were here.  

I can't think of anything that could have made me prouder to be your mom.  Through all of the ups, downs, and sideways, we continued to share a unique and genuine love for each other that transcended either of our shortcomings, and that love formed a bond between us that even death can't sever.  Thanks so much for letting me continue to feel your presence and for sending me signs to let me know that you're ok and still thinking of me.  While I miss you like crazy, and SO long to feel your hug, hear your giggle, and kiss you on top of your head, I rejoice that you are spending this birthday at peace.  I can only imagine what kind of party you've thrown for yourself today!!!!  I love you SOOO much!

Mom