The backyard

First, I need to tell you that when I re-read my initial post, I felt terrible that I hadn't mentioned Roxie and Lucky Bird, the other two members of our family.  My dear friend, Deena, has taken Roxie to live with her, her two sons, and Maverick, an adorable basset hound (?).  My apologies to Maverick, if I've mis-reported his breed.  At last report, they were all co-habiting nicely.  Roxie has become Deena's prime 'body guard', and I'm happy to say is NOT being a behavior problem!!  :)  Lucky Bird is living with another dear, dear friend Karen.  Karen, along with my friends The Lynns, opened her home to me immediately after the funeral and again during the time that I spent back in Cape.  Friendship takes my breath away sometimes!!!  Lucky Bird has learned to dance!!

 I decided to begin my 'official' posts by sharing my thoughts about going back home for the first time.  Shortly after Chad's funeral and celebration, I left Cape Girardeau for awhile.  I recently spent a month back there, beginning to get things in order.  The anticipation of the trip back was filled with a bitter-sweetness.  The 'sweet', as I looked forward to seeing my parents and reconnecting with the friends who were SO vigilantly there for me and my family from the very beginning; and the 'bitter', as I dreaded going back to my house for the first time....specifically, into the backyard where the nightmare began.

My first stop upon arrival in Missouri was, of course, my parents' house, where I discovered the 'love fest' between Dad, Mom, and P.J. that I described in the previous blog.  All three looked TERRIFIC to me!  My mother had been telling me in phone calls how good P.J. seemed to be for my dad, with their daily walks, etc.  However, I found my mom looking younger than ever!!  P.J. is decidedly good for BOTH of them!   After a couple of days of rest and my mom's amazing cooking, I traveled on to Cape Girardeau.

My first visit to the house was overwhelming.  Avoiding the backyard, I entered through the front door to find the house rather stuffy.  I began making some phone calls, and, without thinking, walked outside for some fresh air.  In the middle of one of the telephone conversations, I realized, 'Here I am in the backyard!  And I'm ok!'.... The hurdle had been cleared.  Though I wasn't ready to stay in the house full-time at that point, I found myself spending time on the patio upon each of my daily visits to the house.  It was during a telephone conversation with one of my dearest friends from high school that I first referenced my feelings about being in the backyard as 'peaceful'.  I realized that the horror of entering that back gate and finding Chad that day had dissolved into comfort ...a comfort that I HAD, in fact, entered that back gate and found him.  I think that if the circumstances had been such that someone had come to me to tell me what happened, there would have been an emptiness...a missing piece.   As it happened, I was there with him...and I know that he knew I was there.  So, the very place that I had dreaded going to the most came to be sort of my 'hallowed ground'....a place that will forever be precious to me because, thank God, I was there with him!!  And, more importantly, God was there with both of us!  What a blessing that I can go on, KNOWING without doubt that, while I'll never  understand the 'why' of it all, God was there!  God certainly didn't cause it, and I'm quite sure that He disagreed with the decision that Chad made that day, but He never left Chad's side for one second, loving him through it all.   

So, the assurance for me is knowing that if I can feel God's presence and goodness during the lowest, most frightening moments of my life, I can be certain, beyond doubt that He's with me (all of us) every second of every day....and He's SO good....ALL the time!!

I hope that we're all having a great day!  My thoughts are with my friends at Cape Public Schools, as this is their first day with the kiddos!!  Thinking about you always!!

Love,
Julie