Tomorrow I will go to Park Hills for Father's Day. We'll go to church and I'll stay for the day to visit, but Daddy most likely won't realize that it's Father's Day. Mom and I will tell him, but in just a few minutes he will have forgotten. He might ask me several times if I still live in that house on the hill. Or he might ask me if I go to school at Mississippi State. We're never sure what the 'conversation of the day' will be. The day won't necessarily be sad because of that.....just different. It's a difference that we've progressively grown accustomed to.
My father is a minister, and has been since a very young age. I have no idea how many couples he's united, how many people he's eulogized, or how many people he's touched through his ministry....but it's LOTS. Hes always been more of a listener, but when my dad did choose to speak, you could bet that his words would mean a great deal. He could quote scripture that would apply perfectly to any given circumstance, and he's composed and delivered some of the most beautiful sermons I've ever heard. And, while 'tenderness' has always been a little out of the box for him, my dad's ability to provide comfort to people has always been the thing that has made me most proud of him.
My dad has dementia. He is no longer able to share his wisdom, his advice, his jokes.....but glimpses of the man that he is still emerge sometimes. If we're watching an old comedy on TV, I still get to hear his wonderful laugh. And I still get to feel his hugs. And while there IS the cruelty of the awful dementia, the blessing is that, while he knows that Chad is no longer here with us, he doesn't remember the circumstances of that. So there always IS a blessing.
So, tomorrow will be different...just a shade different from Father's Day last year, which was a shade different from Father's Day the year before.....but still it's a blessing to be able to continue to spend time with my most favorite man in the whole world! Despite the differences, he's still my Daddy, and I'm so glad he's here!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
Hope
Hello All--
I haven't posted more news about the baby cardinals because their story became a sad one. That unseasonable cold snap with all the rain last week wasn't good for baby cardinals as it turned out, and they didn't make it. When I checked the nest after the rain, I saw the two lifeless babies left there. Initially, I was a little perturbed with Momma Cardinal for abandoning her babies. But throughout the day, I saw her visiting the nest, and when I checked the nest later, the babies were gone. I asked her to forgive me for thinking she had deserted them, and I told her that I felt her loss.
A friend told me (and I confirmed it on Google) that cardinals (who, incidentally mate for life :) ) typically have two 'clutches' per year. So I hoped that perhaps Momma and Daddy Cardinal wouldn't be frightened to try again to raise a family somewhere close to my house. I had been noticing that some sprigs were appearing above an outdoor speaker on my patio...up near the eave. Sure enough, I was able to confirm yesterday that there's a new nest! I And it is, in fact, a cardinal nest!! When I figure out how to load pictures from my phone onto my computer, I'll post the VERY CUTE picture of Momma Cardinal's tail sticking out of the nest! Sometimes you can just barely see her beak, too, but I haven't been able to get close enough to get that picture without scaring her.
Annie-Laurie asked me how I could be sure that it's the same Momma and Daddy Cardinal that built the first nest, and I told her I just know! Because we've both experienced the loss of children, Momma Cardinal and I have become kindred spirits, so I know she would trust me enough to build another nest in my yard!!!
Just last year, as soon as Annie-Laurie and I had gotten home from Connecticut, some wrens had built a nest in a flower pot on our patio table. And this year, just a few feet away from that table, is the cardinal nest. While I realize that this is the time of year when birds build nests, I have to believe that these two nests so near to my 'happy place' on the patio, and during this very pertinant time in our lives, are much more than a mere coincidence! God and Chad are working together to remind me that the world is a good place....a place worthy of new life, and of hope.
Again, I'll keep you posted!!
Love,
Julie
I haven't posted more news about the baby cardinals because their story became a sad one. That unseasonable cold snap with all the rain last week wasn't good for baby cardinals as it turned out, and they didn't make it. When I checked the nest after the rain, I saw the two lifeless babies left there. Initially, I was a little perturbed with Momma Cardinal for abandoning her babies. But throughout the day, I saw her visiting the nest, and when I checked the nest later, the babies were gone. I asked her to forgive me for thinking she had deserted them, and I told her that I felt her loss.
A friend told me (and I confirmed it on Google) that cardinals (who, incidentally mate for life :) ) typically have two 'clutches' per year. So I hoped that perhaps Momma and Daddy Cardinal wouldn't be frightened to try again to raise a family somewhere close to my house. I had been noticing that some sprigs were appearing above an outdoor speaker on my patio...up near the eave. Sure enough, I was able to confirm yesterday that there's a new nest! I And it is, in fact, a cardinal nest!! When I figure out how to load pictures from my phone onto my computer, I'll post the VERY CUTE picture of Momma Cardinal's tail sticking out of the nest! Sometimes you can just barely see her beak, too, but I haven't been able to get close enough to get that picture without scaring her.
Annie-Laurie asked me how I could be sure that it's the same Momma and Daddy Cardinal that built the first nest, and I told her I just know! Because we've both experienced the loss of children, Momma Cardinal and I have become kindred spirits, so I know she would trust me enough to build another nest in my yard!!!
Just last year, as soon as Annie-Laurie and I had gotten home from Connecticut, some wrens had built a nest in a flower pot on our patio table. And this year, just a few feet away from that table, is the cardinal nest. While I realize that this is the time of year when birds build nests, I have to believe that these two nests so near to my 'happy place' on the patio, and during this very pertinant time in our lives, are much more than a mere coincidence! God and Chad are working together to remind me that the world is a good place....a place worthy of new life, and of hope.
Again, I'll keep you posted!!
Love,
Julie
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Baby Cardinals!!!!
A couple days ago, I was in my family room and I noticed two cardinals, a male and a female, and they seemed to be.....canoodling in my azalea bush right outside one of my windows. So, of course, I stopped to watch! Afterall, they couldn't see me! As it turned out, he was feeding her! She was sitting in a nest!!! YES! I have a cardinal nest less than a foot from one of the windows in my family room!! I'm thinking that the Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal's timing and location of their new family is definitely not a coincidence! I'm watching closely and will keep you posted!!! :)
Monday, April 29, 2013
Two Women A Generation Apart on a Mission to Move Forward
This past Tuesday, I was feeling a little down in the dumps, so I went shopping. Surprisingly, the shopping did very little to improve my mood. On my way home, I stopped in to visit with my neighbor, Opal. Opal, like my mom, would probably not want me to share her age publicly, but, also like my mom, Opal is very, very young for her age! She's a teeny-tiny, beautiful little lady who can be described as no less than a spitfire!! I think she would appreciate that description. Opal and her husband Gene moved next door about 17 years ago. Annie-Laurie and Chad quickly adopted Opal and Gene as their third set of grandparents. Chad, particularly, spent lots of time visiting at their house.
As life sometimes does, it got in the way and the kids and I spent less time visiting at Opal and Gene's, and, sadly, I didn't realize how quickly Gene's health was failing. Just a couple months after I returned home from my stay in Arizona in 2011, we lost Gene. Since then, Opal and I have begun to spend more time together. Right after Mr. Gene died, Opal and I talked lots about learning to live alone, with me becoming an 'empty nester' a little sooner than I expected, and her becoming a widow sooner than she expected. Sounds like a sad story? Nope! Not a sad story at all!! While we do share some tears, we share far more laughter, and I only wish that I could make Opal laugh as much as SHE makes ME laugh! She always has a Twix bar, and she always has beer, and she never fails to cheer me up. So when I stopped at her house last Tuesday, I knew that I was in the right place!
That day, Opal and I made plans to have dinner tonight. Today was another one of 'those days', and by the time I got home from work, I was A LOT down in the dumps. I was tempted to call Opal and cancel on dinner, get into my jammies, and spend the evening in bed watching Monday night TV. But I didn't. And I'm SO glad I didn't!! Once again, it was Opal to the rescue! We went to the Casino, and I'm pretty sure I laughed at least 1000 times!
I love spending time with Opal, hearing stories of her sons and their families, of her life with Gene. But the thing that I love most is her spirit, her flair, and her zest for living......AND the fact that she makes me laugh so easily. My mom has a friend who's my age. I'm pretty sure that their relationship is much the same as the relationship that Opal and I have. What wonderful gifts are these two women who refuse to be 'old', who can 'hang out' with us 'youngsters'.....and who teach us so much about living! I hope that when I'm 'that age that shall remain nameless' I, too, will have a 'younger generation friend' who will come to see me when she wants to laugh!!
As life sometimes does, it got in the way and the kids and I spent less time visiting at Opal and Gene's, and, sadly, I didn't realize how quickly Gene's health was failing. Just a couple months after I returned home from my stay in Arizona in 2011, we lost Gene. Since then, Opal and I have begun to spend more time together. Right after Mr. Gene died, Opal and I talked lots about learning to live alone, with me becoming an 'empty nester' a little sooner than I expected, and her becoming a widow sooner than she expected. Sounds like a sad story? Nope! Not a sad story at all!! While we do share some tears, we share far more laughter, and I only wish that I could make Opal laugh as much as SHE makes ME laugh! She always has a Twix bar, and she always has beer, and she never fails to cheer me up. So when I stopped at her house last Tuesday, I knew that I was in the right place!
That day, Opal and I made plans to have dinner tonight. Today was another one of 'those days', and by the time I got home from work, I was A LOT down in the dumps. I was tempted to call Opal and cancel on dinner, get into my jammies, and spend the evening in bed watching Monday night TV. But I didn't. And I'm SO glad I didn't!! Once again, it was Opal to the rescue! We went to the Casino, and I'm pretty sure I laughed at least 1000 times!
I love spending time with Opal, hearing stories of her sons and their families, of her life with Gene. But the thing that I love most is her spirit, her flair, and her zest for living......AND the fact that she makes me laugh so easily. My mom has a friend who's my age. I'm pretty sure that their relationship is much the same as the relationship that Opal and I have. What wonderful gifts are these two women who refuse to be 'old', who can 'hang out' with us 'youngsters'.....and who teach us so much about living! I hope that when I'm 'that age that shall remain nameless' I, too, will have a 'younger generation friend' who will come to see me when she wants to laugh!!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Gifts.......
Hi All--
In addition to Chad's birthday letter, I want to share a couple of things in honor of his birthday. Several months ago, I received a poem from Justin Kim, one of Chad's friends from Rectory, that he had written about Chad. And just a few weeks ago, I received an essay that another one of Chad's friends from Rectory, Miko McGuire had written about Chad as part of a college entrance requirement.
I've said many times, and probably previously on this blog, that one of the very best gifts that a mother who has lost a child can receive is simply the knowledge that others remember. These two pieces are certainly precious gifts to me, and with Justin and Miko's permission, I'd like to share them with you.
God bless, and have a wonderful evening!
Julie
Miko's Essay:
In addition to Chad's birthday letter, I want to share a couple of things in honor of his birthday. Several months ago, I received a poem from Justin Kim, one of Chad's friends from Rectory, that he had written about Chad. And just a few weeks ago, I received an essay that another one of Chad's friends from Rectory, Miko McGuire had written about Chad as part of a college entrance requirement.
I've said many times, and probably previously on this blog, that one of the very best gifts that a mother who has lost a child can receive is simply the knowledge that others remember. These two pieces are certainly precious gifts to me, and with Justin and Miko's permission, I'd like to share them with you.
God bless, and have a wonderful evening!
Julie
Miko's Essay:
“It’s for a friend.” This is the explanation I give to someone who asks why I
have “CJT” written on all of my wrestling shoes. Every time I lace up
my shoes and step on to the mat, whether I’m about to have a six-minute
battle with an All-American or get a quick pin and sit back on the bench, I
think about my friend Chad.
Chadwick Jauch Tipton was my middle school wrestling
partner. We struggled together through our brutal practices and the long winter
season. In eighth grade, after pushing each other past the point of exhaustion
day after day, our team capped of its undefeated season by winning the Junior
New England Wrestling Championships. I am sure Chad would remember this as one
of the happiest days of his life.
Chad hung himself the spring of my
sophomore year. By this time, I was boarding at Tabor Academy and he was in
public school back home in Missouri. At first, Chad’s suicide didn’t sink in. No matter how much
I talked to my friends about it, I could not manage to convince myself that he
had actually committed suicide. I could not imagine that a cheerful kid I knew
so well had become depressed to the point that he no longer wanted to live. It
wasn’t until Chad’s memorial service at our old school that my disbelief was
replaced with grief and devastation.
At the
service, we listened to teachers and alumni reminisce about Chad. I have always
been a person who bottles up his emotions and I cannot even remember the last
time I cried out loud. However, sitting next to our old wrestling coach at Chad’s service, the events of the past week finally hit me and I
could not take it. I broke down in front hundreds of my peers. I sobbed as my
head swirled with memories of Chad and I in the wrestling room, using each
other as the motivation needed to never give up. Wrestling had been a bonding
experience for us, and the closeness we had developed made losing him even
harder.
Trying to go back to leading a normal high school career
just days after losing someone close to me was painful, but as time went on I
learned to use my emotions as motivation in the same way Chad motivated me in
middle school. When I find myself exhausted and ready to throw in the towel, I
look down at my wrestling shoes and read the letters “CJT”. These initials represent so
much more to me than a name. When I see “CJT”, I am able to ignore my body’s cries for rest and work harder than anyone else in the
room. I can accept now that Chad is dead, but his spirit lives on and stays
with me everyday of my life, making sure that I remember my goals and always
leave it all on the mat.
Justin
Kim
Mrs.
Debra Larson
English
401W.E/ The self-portrait poem
18
February 2012
You Bring Out The
Chad in Me
You
bring out the Chad in me.
The
Missouri boy with a southern accent in me.
The
hurtful racist jokes in me.
But
the endless compliments in me.
The
abundant hugs in me.
You
bring out the coach in me.
The
soccer and lacrosse teams in me.
The
treating like a brother in me.
The
practicing in the rain and snow in me.
The
great athlete with sportsmanship in me.
You
bring out the parent in me.
The
scolding and consulting in me.
The
Dave & Busters in me.
The
special hand shake in me.
The
brother from another mother in me.
You
bring out the knowledge of death in me.
The
months of depression and sorrow in me.
The
unforgettable memories of us in me.
The
revelation of the real life in me.
You
bring out the Chad in me.
This poem is
dedicated to my great friend, Chad Tipton.
Happy Birthday, Chadly!!
Chad,
Nineteen years ago tonight, I had just given birth to a perfect little boy. I was a little tired and VERY hungry, and your dad and I celebrated your birth with a Domino's pizza! We had a beautiful, spunky little girl, exactly one week shy of two years old, and now we had our boy. I remember thinking that all was right with the world!!!
You were born just exactly the way you lived your life--in your very own terms!! Your first due date was December 18th, which was changed to December 24th. Your sister had been born precisely on her due date. But you....you were all about making an entrance.....in your own time!! When labor was finally induced early that morning, you continued to take your time. I watched The Morning Show, I napped, watched The Young and the Restless, napped, watched Wheel of Fortune.....well, you get the picture. You finally made your appearance a little after nine that night.....a pink, perfect, little bundle (not so little, actually, just one ounce short of nine pounds!) of ALL boy!! And I was head over heels in love with you!
Life with you was NEVER boring! Even as a tiny baby, you made me laugh. And very soon you established yourself as the comic relief in a home that was so often in need of comic relief!!! Your comedic timing was there from day one! You always had just the right facial expression, exactly the right words, and such a keen observation of people!! Life was about how much fun you could have and about how many people you could make laugh. We should all adopt just a fraction of that approach to life!
But your life wasn't ALL about comedy. You were a listener. You often were just 'there' for others. I knew a little about that while you were here, but I've learned more about that side of you since you've been gone. Your true love for people was so very apparent to all who knew you, and you didn't hesitate to show that.
Though your life was much shorter than I anticipated...or wanted...it was a WONDERFUL life you lived. One only needs to go to your Facebook page today to see just what kind of life you lived. You touched people. You made an impression. I can't think of a better legacy to leave on this earth than for those who knew you to think about you with a smile, a laugh, a warm feeling.....knowing that their lives are a bit fuller and brighter because you were here.
I can't think of anything that could have made me prouder to be your mom. Through all of the ups, downs, and sideways, we continued to share a unique and genuine love for each other that transcended either of our shortcomings, and that love formed a bond between us that even death can't sever. Thanks so much for letting me continue to feel your presence and for sending me signs to let me know that you're ok and still thinking of me. While I miss you like crazy, and SO long to feel your hug, hear your giggle, and kiss you on top of your head, I rejoice that you are spending this birthday at peace. I can only imagine what kind of party you've thrown for yourself today!!!! I love you SOOO much!
Mom
Nineteen years ago tonight, I had just given birth to a perfect little boy. I was a little tired and VERY hungry, and your dad and I celebrated your birth with a Domino's pizza! We had a beautiful, spunky little girl, exactly one week shy of two years old, and now we had our boy. I remember thinking that all was right with the world!!!
You were born just exactly the way you lived your life--in your very own terms!! Your first due date was December 18th, which was changed to December 24th. Your sister had been born precisely on her due date. But you....you were all about making an entrance.....in your own time!! When labor was finally induced early that morning, you continued to take your time. I watched The Morning Show, I napped, watched The Young and the Restless, napped, watched Wheel of Fortune.....well, you get the picture. You finally made your appearance a little after nine that night.....a pink, perfect, little bundle (not so little, actually, just one ounce short of nine pounds!) of ALL boy!! And I was head over heels in love with you!
Life with you was NEVER boring! Even as a tiny baby, you made me laugh. And very soon you established yourself as the comic relief in a home that was so often in need of comic relief!!! Your comedic timing was there from day one! You always had just the right facial expression, exactly the right words, and such a keen observation of people!! Life was about how much fun you could have and about how many people you could make laugh. We should all adopt just a fraction of that approach to life!
But your life wasn't ALL about comedy. You were a listener. You often were just 'there' for others. I knew a little about that while you were here, but I've learned more about that side of you since you've been gone. Your true love for people was so very apparent to all who knew you, and you didn't hesitate to show that.
Though your life was much shorter than I anticipated...or wanted...it was a WONDERFUL life you lived. One only needs to go to your Facebook page today to see just what kind of life you lived. You touched people. You made an impression. I can't think of a better legacy to leave on this earth than for those who knew you to think about you with a smile, a laugh, a warm feeling.....knowing that their lives are a bit fuller and brighter because you were here.
I can't think of anything that could have made me prouder to be your mom. Through all of the ups, downs, and sideways, we continued to share a unique and genuine love for each other that transcended either of our shortcomings, and that love formed a bond between us that even death can't sever. Thanks so much for letting me continue to feel your presence and for sending me signs to let me know that you're ok and still thinking of me. While I miss you like crazy, and SO long to feel your hug, hear your giggle, and kiss you on top of your head, I rejoice that you are spending this birthday at peace. I can only imagine what kind of party you've thrown for yourself today!!!! I love you SOOO much!
Mom
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Thoughts....
Hello, My Friends.....
On Friday night, as the events in Newtown, CT were unfolding, I wrote a blog, which I later deleted. I'm not sure why, except that this topic of mental/emotional struggles hits me very close to home, and re-reading what I had written made me sad.
As I thought about this young 'shooter' to whom the media and facebook friends were referring as words such as 'monster', I agreed. How could he? And then I began to think about all of the other shootings....one of which happened just days ago in Oregon. They, the shooters, were ALL very young men.....obviously very disturbed young men. Monsters? Yes. What they've done, I think earns them that title. BUT....when did that happen? Wasn't he, at some point in his life, a sweet and innocent little boy? Someone's son. And, more importantly, WHY did it happen??
I know a bit about boys with 'issues'. My boy had some issues. I haven't, in the blog, directly addressed Chad's issues. But, I think that now may, perhaps be the right time.
Chad's struggle began when he was in seventh grade. And it continued. It continued through counseling, a boot camp, more counseling, boarding school, and yet more counseling. The juvenile court system was involved, and medications were prescribed, with counseling on a continued basis. Let me say here that two primary mental health professionals were involved, who I feel are two of the best in the business. And yet, we couldn't find an answer. This is not to say that there weren't good times during those three rough years. There were. But there were some awfully, awfully painful times. And watching Chad endure those painful times, as his mother, very nearly killed me. A mom's supposed to be able to fix things!! I couldn't fix it. I didn't even know how to begin to MANAGE it! I found myself at times wishing that it was a physical illness.....we could go to the doctor and get treatment (though I must tell you that our family doctor was very much on board throughout our journey, stayed with us right through to the end, and is someone who I consider a very dear friend today!) But, also, and maybe selfishly, if it had been a physical illness, I could have talked about it. You certainly don't want to go around talking about your kids' mental or emotional problems! Even when only a handful of people know, you notice how they sometimes look at you differently...not to be unkind, but because they simply don't know what to say.
Without going into great detail, that's the gist of our situation. And we know the end result. I believe that we may have been on the brink of learning more about what was going on with Chad. We ran out of time. I, in my heart of hearts, don't believe that Chad could have killed. He loved people far too much for that. I don't know if Chad was sure of that, though, and I believe that's a portion of the reason why he made the choice that he did.
I have no idea what the answer is in addressing this illness (it IS an illness) that seems to be attacking our young men's psyches and emotional states. I KNOW that it's complicated. But I believe that we MUST address it. In the blog that I previously wrote, I said that the lives of all of these boys who have killed must be dissected.....almost minute by minute.....to see what led them to resort to such violence. There MUST be a common thread that would lead to an appropriate diagnosis and a cure. In the meantime, please say an extra prayer....or ten...for families who struggle with this problem in private, while trying to carry on with life as usual in public. I know that the thing they desire most is peace for their struggling children and normalcy for their families.
Love,
Julie
On Friday night, as the events in Newtown, CT were unfolding, I wrote a blog, which I later deleted. I'm not sure why, except that this topic of mental/emotional struggles hits me very close to home, and re-reading what I had written made me sad.
As I thought about this young 'shooter' to whom the media and facebook friends were referring as words such as 'monster', I agreed. How could he? And then I began to think about all of the other shootings....one of which happened just days ago in Oregon. They, the shooters, were ALL very young men.....obviously very disturbed young men. Monsters? Yes. What they've done, I think earns them that title. BUT....when did that happen? Wasn't he, at some point in his life, a sweet and innocent little boy? Someone's son. And, more importantly, WHY did it happen??
I know a bit about boys with 'issues'. My boy had some issues. I haven't, in the blog, directly addressed Chad's issues. But, I think that now may, perhaps be the right time.
Chad's struggle began when he was in seventh grade. And it continued. It continued through counseling, a boot camp, more counseling, boarding school, and yet more counseling. The juvenile court system was involved, and medications were prescribed, with counseling on a continued basis. Let me say here that two primary mental health professionals were involved, who I feel are two of the best in the business. And yet, we couldn't find an answer. This is not to say that there weren't good times during those three rough years. There were. But there were some awfully, awfully painful times. And watching Chad endure those painful times, as his mother, very nearly killed me. A mom's supposed to be able to fix things!! I couldn't fix it. I didn't even know how to begin to MANAGE it! I found myself at times wishing that it was a physical illness.....we could go to the doctor and get treatment (though I must tell you that our family doctor was very much on board throughout our journey, stayed with us right through to the end, and is someone who I consider a very dear friend today!) But, also, and maybe selfishly, if it had been a physical illness, I could have talked about it. You certainly don't want to go around talking about your kids' mental or emotional problems! Even when only a handful of people know, you notice how they sometimes look at you differently...not to be unkind, but because they simply don't know what to say.
Without going into great detail, that's the gist of our situation. And we know the end result. I believe that we may have been on the brink of learning more about what was going on with Chad. We ran out of time. I, in my heart of hearts, don't believe that Chad could have killed. He loved people far too much for that. I don't know if Chad was sure of that, though, and I believe that's a portion of the reason why he made the choice that he did.
I have no idea what the answer is in addressing this illness (it IS an illness) that seems to be attacking our young men's psyches and emotional states. I KNOW that it's complicated. But I believe that we MUST address it. In the blog that I previously wrote, I said that the lives of all of these boys who have killed must be dissected.....almost minute by minute.....to see what led them to resort to such violence. There MUST be a common thread that would lead to an appropriate diagnosis and a cure. In the meantime, please say an extra prayer....or ten...for families who struggle with this problem in private, while trying to carry on with life as usual in public. I know that the thing they desire most is peace for their struggling children and normalcy for their families.
Love,
Julie
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