This past Tuesday, I was feeling a little down in the dumps, so I went shopping. Surprisingly, the shopping did very little to improve my mood. On my way home, I stopped in to visit with my neighbor, Opal. Opal, like my mom, would probably not want me to share her age publicly, but, also like my mom, Opal is very, very young for her age! She's a teeny-tiny, beautiful little lady who can be described as no less than a spitfire!! I think she would appreciate that description. Opal and her husband Gene moved next door about 17 years ago. Annie-Laurie and Chad quickly adopted Opal and Gene as their third set of grandparents. Chad, particularly, spent lots of time visiting at their house.
As life sometimes does, it got in the way and the kids and I spent less time visiting at Opal and Gene's, and, sadly, I didn't realize how quickly Gene's health was failing. Just a couple months after I returned home from my stay in Arizona in 2011, we lost Gene. Since then, Opal and I have begun to spend more time together. Right after Mr. Gene died, Opal and I talked lots about learning to live alone, with me becoming an 'empty nester' a little sooner than I expected, and her becoming a widow sooner than she expected. Sounds like a sad story? Nope! Not a sad story at all!! While we do share some tears, we share far more laughter, and I only wish that I could make Opal laugh as much as SHE makes ME laugh! She always has a Twix bar, and she always has beer, and she never fails to cheer me up. So when I stopped at her house last Tuesday, I knew that I was in the right place!
That day, Opal and I made plans to have dinner tonight. Today was another one of 'those days', and by the time I got home from work, I was A LOT down in the dumps. I was tempted to call Opal and cancel on dinner, get into my jammies, and spend the evening in bed watching Monday night TV. But I didn't. And I'm SO glad I didn't!! Once again, it was Opal to the rescue! We went to the Casino, and I'm pretty sure I laughed at least 1000 times!
I love spending time with Opal, hearing stories of her sons and their families, of her life with Gene. But the thing that I love most is her spirit, her flair, and her zest for living......AND the fact that she makes me laugh so easily. My mom has a friend who's my age. I'm pretty sure that their relationship is much the same as the relationship that Opal and I have. What wonderful gifts are these two women who refuse to be 'old', who can 'hang out' with us 'youngsters'.....and who teach us so much about living! I hope that when I'm 'that age that shall remain nameless' I, too, will have a 'younger generation friend' who will come to see me when she wants to laugh!!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Gifts.......
Hi All--
In addition to Chad's birthday letter, I want to share a couple of things in honor of his birthday. Several months ago, I received a poem from Justin Kim, one of Chad's friends from Rectory, that he had written about Chad. And just a few weeks ago, I received an essay that another one of Chad's friends from Rectory, Miko McGuire had written about Chad as part of a college entrance requirement.
I've said many times, and probably previously on this blog, that one of the very best gifts that a mother who has lost a child can receive is simply the knowledge that others remember. These two pieces are certainly precious gifts to me, and with Justin and Miko's permission, I'd like to share them with you.
God bless, and have a wonderful evening!
Julie
Miko's Essay:
In addition to Chad's birthday letter, I want to share a couple of things in honor of his birthday. Several months ago, I received a poem from Justin Kim, one of Chad's friends from Rectory, that he had written about Chad. And just a few weeks ago, I received an essay that another one of Chad's friends from Rectory, Miko McGuire had written about Chad as part of a college entrance requirement.
I've said many times, and probably previously on this blog, that one of the very best gifts that a mother who has lost a child can receive is simply the knowledge that others remember. These two pieces are certainly precious gifts to me, and with Justin and Miko's permission, I'd like to share them with you.
God bless, and have a wonderful evening!
Julie
Miko's Essay:
“It’s for a friend.” This is the explanation I give to someone who asks why I
have “CJT” written on all of my wrestling shoes. Every time I lace up
my shoes and step on to the mat, whether I’m about to have a six-minute
battle with an All-American or get a quick pin and sit back on the bench, I
think about my friend Chad.
Chadwick Jauch Tipton was my middle school wrestling
partner. We struggled together through our brutal practices and the long winter
season. In eighth grade, after pushing each other past the point of exhaustion
day after day, our team capped of its undefeated season by winning the Junior
New England Wrestling Championships. I am sure Chad would remember this as one
of the happiest days of his life.
Chad hung himself the spring of my
sophomore year. By this time, I was boarding at Tabor Academy and he was in
public school back home in Missouri. At first, Chad’s suicide didn’t sink in. No matter how much
I talked to my friends about it, I could not manage to convince myself that he
had actually committed suicide. I could not imagine that a cheerful kid I knew
so well had become depressed to the point that he no longer wanted to live. It
wasn’t until Chad’s memorial service at our old school that my disbelief was
replaced with grief and devastation.
At the
service, we listened to teachers and alumni reminisce about Chad. I have always
been a person who bottles up his emotions and I cannot even remember the last
time I cried out loud. However, sitting next to our old wrestling coach at Chad’s service, the events of the past week finally hit me and I
could not take it. I broke down in front hundreds of my peers. I sobbed as my
head swirled with memories of Chad and I in the wrestling room, using each
other as the motivation needed to never give up. Wrestling had been a bonding
experience for us, and the closeness we had developed made losing him even
harder.
Trying to go back to leading a normal high school career
just days after losing someone close to me was painful, but as time went on I
learned to use my emotions as motivation in the same way Chad motivated me in
middle school. When I find myself exhausted and ready to throw in the towel, I
look down at my wrestling shoes and read the letters “CJT”. These initials represent so
much more to me than a name. When I see “CJT”, I am able to ignore my body’s cries for rest and work harder than anyone else in the
room. I can accept now that Chad is dead, but his spirit lives on and stays
with me everyday of my life, making sure that I remember my goals and always
leave it all on the mat.
Justin
Kim
Mrs.
Debra Larson
English
401W.E/ The self-portrait poem
18
February 2012
You Bring Out The
Chad in Me
You
bring out the Chad in me.
The
Missouri boy with a southern accent in me.
The
hurtful racist jokes in me.
But
the endless compliments in me.
The
abundant hugs in me.
You
bring out the coach in me.
The
soccer and lacrosse teams in me.
The
treating like a brother in me.
The
practicing in the rain and snow in me.
The
great athlete with sportsmanship in me.
You
bring out the parent in me.
The
scolding and consulting in me.
The
Dave & Busters in me.
The
special hand shake in me.
The
brother from another mother in me.
You
bring out the knowledge of death in me.
The
months of depression and sorrow in me.
The
unforgettable memories of us in me.
The
revelation of the real life in me.
You
bring out the Chad in me.
This poem is
dedicated to my great friend, Chad Tipton.
Happy Birthday, Chadly!!
Chad,
Nineteen years ago tonight, I had just given birth to a perfect little boy. I was a little tired and VERY hungry, and your dad and I celebrated your birth with a Domino's pizza! We had a beautiful, spunky little girl, exactly one week shy of two years old, and now we had our boy. I remember thinking that all was right with the world!!!
You were born just exactly the way you lived your life--in your very own terms!! Your first due date was December 18th, which was changed to December 24th. Your sister had been born precisely on her due date. But you....you were all about making an entrance.....in your own time!! When labor was finally induced early that morning, you continued to take your time. I watched The Morning Show, I napped, watched The Young and the Restless, napped, watched Wheel of Fortune.....well, you get the picture. You finally made your appearance a little after nine that night.....a pink, perfect, little bundle (not so little, actually, just one ounce short of nine pounds!) of ALL boy!! And I was head over heels in love with you!
Life with you was NEVER boring! Even as a tiny baby, you made me laugh. And very soon you established yourself as the comic relief in a home that was so often in need of comic relief!!! Your comedic timing was there from day one! You always had just the right facial expression, exactly the right words, and such a keen observation of people!! Life was about how much fun you could have and about how many people you could make laugh. We should all adopt just a fraction of that approach to life!
But your life wasn't ALL about comedy. You were a listener. You often were just 'there' for others. I knew a little about that while you were here, but I've learned more about that side of you since you've been gone. Your true love for people was so very apparent to all who knew you, and you didn't hesitate to show that.
Though your life was much shorter than I anticipated...or wanted...it was a WONDERFUL life you lived. One only needs to go to your Facebook page today to see just what kind of life you lived. You touched people. You made an impression. I can't think of a better legacy to leave on this earth than for those who knew you to think about you with a smile, a laugh, a warm feeling.....knowing that their lives are a bit fuller and brighter because you were here.
I can't think of anything that could have made me prouder to be your mom. Through all of the ups, downs, and sideways, we continued to share a unique and genuine love for each other that transcended either of our shortcomings, and that love formed a bond between us that even death can't sever. Thanks so much for letting me continue to feel your presence and for sending me signs to let me know that you're ok and still thinking of me. While I miss you like crazy, and SO long to feel your hug, hear your giggle, and kiss you on top of your head, I rejoice that you are spending this birthday at peace. I can only imagine what kind of party you've thrown for yourself today!!!! I love you SOOO much!
Mom
Nineteen years ago tonight, I had just given birth to a perfect little boy. I was a little tired and VERY hungry, and your dad and I celebrated your birth with a Domino's pizza! We had a beautiful, spunky little girl, exactly one week shy of two years old, and now we had our boy. I remember thinking that all was right with the world!!!
You were born just exactly the way you lived your life--in your very own terms!! Your first due date was December 18th, which was changed to December 24th. Your sister had been born precisely on her due date. But you....you were all about making an entrance.....in your own time!! When labor was finally induced early that morning, you continued to take your time. I watched The Morning Show, I napped, watched The Young and the Restless, napped, watched Wheel of Fortune.....well, you get the picture. You finally made your appearance a little after nine that night.....a pink, perfect, little bundle (not so little, actually, just one ounce short of nine pounds!) of ALL boy!! And I was head over heels in love with you!
Life with you was NEVER boring! Even as a tiny baby, you made me laugh. And very soon you established yourself as the comic relief in a home that was so often in need of comic relief!!! Your comedic timing was there from day one! You always had just the right facial expression, exactly the right words, and such a keen observation of people!! Life was about how much fun you could have and about how many people you could make laugh. We should all adopt just a fraction of that approach to life!
But your life wasn't ALL about comedy. You were a listener. You often were just 'there' for others. I knew a little about that while you were here, but I've learned more about that side of you since you've been gone. Your true love for people was so very apparent to all who knew you, and you didn't hesitate to show that.
Though your life was much shorter than I anticipated...or wanted...it was a WONDERFUL life you lived. One only needs to go to your Facebook page today to see just what kind of life you lived. You touched people. You made an impression. I can't think of a better legacy to leave on this earth than for those who knew you to think about you with a smile, a laugh, a warm feeling.....knowing that their lives are a bit fuller and brighter because you were here.
I can't think of anything that could have made me prouder to be your mom. Through all of the ups, downs, and sideways, we continued to share a unique and genuine love for each other that transcended either of our shortcomings, and that love formed a bond between us that even death can't sever. Thanks so much for letting me continue to feel your presence and for sending me signs to let me know that you're ok and still thinking of me. While I miss you like crazy, and SO long to feel your hug, hear your giggle, and kiss you on top of your head, I rejoice that you are spending this birthday at peace. I can only imagine what kind of party you've thrown for yourself today!!!! I love you SOOO much!
Mom
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Thoughts....
Hello, My Friends.....
On Friday night, as the events in Newtown, CT were unfolding, I wrote a blog, which I later deleted. I'm not sure why, except that this topic of mental/emotional struggles hits me very close to home, and re-reading what I had written made me sad.
As I thought about this young 'shooter' to whom the media and facebook friends were referring as words such as 'monster', I agreed. How could he? And then I began to think about all of the other shootings....one of which happened just days ago in Oregon. They, the shooters, were ALL very young men.....obviously very disturbed young men. Monsters? Yes. What they've done, I think earns them that title. BUT....when did that happen? Wasn't he, at some point in his life, a sweet and innocent little boy? Someone's son. And, more importantly, WHY did it happen??
I know a bit about boys with 'issues'. My boy had some issues. I haven't, in the blog, directly addressed Chad's issues. But, I think that now may, perhaps be the right time.
Chad's struggle began when he was in seventh grade. And it continued. It continued through counseling, a boot camp, more counseling, boarding school, and yet more counseling. The juvenile court system was involved, and medications were prescribed, with counseling on a continued basis. Let me say here that two primary mental health professionals were involved, who I feel are two of the best in the business. And yet, we couldn't find an answer. This is not to say that there weren't good times during those three rough years. There were. But there were some awfully, awfully painful times. And watching Chad endure those painful times, as his mother, very nearly killed me. A mom's supposed to be able to fix things!! I couldn't fix it. I didn't even know how to begin to MANAGE it! I found myself at times wishing that it was a physical illness.....we could go to the doctor and get treatment (though I must tell you that our family doctor was very much on board throughout our journey, stayed with us right through to the end, and is someone who I consider a very dear friend today!) But, also, and maybe selfishly, if it had been a physical illness, I could have talked about it. You certainly don't want to go around talking about your kids' mental or emotional problems! Even when only a handful of people know, you notice how they sometimes look at you differently...not to be unkind, but because they simply don't know what to say.
Without going into great detail, that's the gist of our situation. And we know the end result. I believe that we may have been on the brink of learning more about what was going on with Chad. We ran out of time. I, in my heart of hearts, don't believe that Chad could have killed. He loved people far too much for that. I don't know if Chad was sure of that, though, and I believe that's a portion of the reason why he made the choice that he did.
I have no idea what the answer is in addressing this illness (it IS an illness) that seems to be attacking our young men's psyches and emotional states. I KNOW that it's complicated. But I believe that we MUST address it. In the blog that I previously wrote, I said that the lives of all of these boys who have killed must be dissected.....almost minute by minute.....to see what led them to resort to such violence. There MUST be a common thread that would lead to an appropriate diagnosis and a cure. In the meantime, please say an extra prayer....or ten...for families who struggle with this problem in private, while trying to carry on with life as usual in public. I know that the thing they desire most is peace for their struggling children and normalcy for their families.
Love,
Julie
On Friday night, as the events in Newtown, CT were unfolding, I wrote a blog, which I later deleted. I'm not sure why, except that this topic of mental/emotional struggles hits me very close to home, and re-reading what I had written made me sad.
As I thought about this young 'shooter' to whom the media and facebook friends were referring as words such as 'monster', I agreed. How could he? And then I began to think about all of the other shootings....one of which happened just days ago in Oregon. They, the shooters, were ALL very young men.....obviously very disturbed young men. Monsters? Yes. What they've done, I think earns them that title. BUT....when did that happen? Wasn't he, at some point in his life, a sweet and innocent little boy? Someone's son. And, more importantly, WHY did it happen??
I know a bit about boys with 'issues'. My boy had some issues. I haven't, in the blog, directly addressed Chad's issues. But, I think that now may, perhaps be the right time.
Chad's struggle began when he was in seventh grade. And it continued. It continued through counseling, a boot camp, more counseling, boarding school, and yet more counseling. The juvenile court system was involved, and medications were prescribed, with counseling on a continued basis. Let me say here that two primary mental health professionals were involved, who I feel are two of the best in the business. And yet, we couldn't find an answer. This is not to say that there weren't good times during those three rough years. There were. But there were some awfully, awfully painful times. And watching Chad endure those painful times, as his mother, very nearly killed me. A mom's supposed to be able to fix things!! I couldn't fix it. I didn't even know how to begin to MANAGE it! I found myself at times wishing that it was a physical illness.....we could go to the doctor and get treatment (though I must tell you that our family doctor was very much on board throughout our journey, stayed with us right through to the end, and is someone who I consider a very dear friend today!) But, also, and maybe selfishly, if it had been a physical illness, I could have talked about it. You certainly don't want to go around talking about your kids' mental or emotional problems! Even when only a handful of people know, you notice how they sometimes look at you differently...not to be unkind, but because they simply don't know what to say.
Without going into great detail, that's the gist of our situation. And we know the end result. I believe that we may have been on the brink of learning more about what was going on with Chad. We ran out of time. I, in my heart of hearts, don't believe that Chad could have killed. He loved people far too much for that. I don't know if Chad was sure of that, though, and I believe that's a portion of the reason why he made the choice that he did.
I have no idea what the answer is in addressing this illness (it IS an illness) that seems to be attacking our young men's psyches and emotional states. I KNOW that it's complicated. But I believe that we MUST address it. In the blog that I previously wrote, I said that the lives of all of these boys who have killed must be dissected.....almost minute by minute.....to see what led them to resort to such violence. There MUST be a common thread that would lead to an appropriate diagnosis and a cure. In the meantime, please say an extra prayer....or ten...for families who struggle with this problem in private, while trying to carry on with life as usual in public. I know that the thing they desire most is peace for their struggling children and normalcy for their families.
Love,
Julie
Monday, November 26, 2012
Christmas Cards....
Well.....I've done it again! For the second year in a row I found THE perfect Christmas cards! Last year's card had birdhouses with cardinals...two of the houses had the words 'Love' and 'Peace' written on them.....exactly what I wanted to say! I bought them weeks ahead of time so that I would get them out early! I started signing them, and each time I wrote 'With Much Love-- Julie and Annie-Laurie' I got sadder and sadder. So I didn't finish them.
This year's cards are equally as cute and perfect....a starry background with three bare trees done in silver and one big green Christmas tree with a perfect reddest of red cardinals perched on top. I even went to the post office early to buy the stamps, so they wouldn't be picked over! I can't even open the boxes. If I sign them, 'With Much Love--Julie, Annie-Laurie, and Chad', I fear that people will think that I've lost touch with reality, and thus will worry. But signing them without Chad's name seems so wrong!
So...I can't do cards again this year. It's a one-step-at-a-time thing....I know that. This is one step I can't take yet. Maybe next year.
Know that all of you are in my thoughts, and I'm wishing you a blessed Christmas season.
Julie
This year's cards are equally as cute and perfect....a starry background with three bare trees done in silver and one big green Christmas tree with a perfect reddest of red cardinals perched on top. I even went to the post office early to buy the stamps, so they wouldn't be picked over! I can't even open the boxes. If I sign them, 'With Much Love--Julie, Annie-Laurie, and Chad', I fear that people will think that I've lost touch with reality, and thus will worry. But signing them without Chad's name seems so wrong!
So...I can't do cards again this year. It's a one-step-at-a-time thing....I know that. This is one step I can't take yet. Maybe next year.
Know that all of you are in my thoughts, and I'm wishing you a blessed Christmas season.
Julie
Sunday, November 11, 2012
A Love Story....
Sometime in the early 1960's, a young, handsome preacher was called to be the pastor at The First Baptist Church in a quaint little town called Wardell, Missouri. Shortly after his pastorate there began, the young pastor began to take note of a beautiful young woman, a member of the church, who was also the church clerk. As the young pastor had made it his policy never to date church members, he found himself in a bit of a dilemma. He called a special meeting of the church deacons. During that meeting, the young pastor explained that, while he DID have his self-imposed policy, he'd found himself quite interested in a young woman in the church, and he asked simply, 'What should I do?' The deacons all smiled and exchanged knowing looks with one another, and one of the deacons spoke up to tell the pastor that not only did they know exactly the woman to whom the pastor was referring, they all thought that the pastor and this young woman might be a good match, even when they originally called him to be their pastor. So with the blessing of the deacons, the young pastor began to visit the young woman where she worked as a bookkeeper at Acom's Cotton Gin uptown, offering to take her to lunch. I'm not sure how many times she turned him down, but when she finally did accept his invitation to lunch, she told him emphatically, 'I'll have lunch with you, but I have no interest, whatsoever, in being a pastor's wife.' God (and the young pastor), however, had a plan. After the two had been sharing meals together for several months, the young pastor proposed, and the beautiful young woman accepted, though she wasn't sure WHEN, exactly, she had decided that being a pastor's wife might suit her. Ten months after the young couple were married, they had a daughter. That daughter would be me, and it's my unbiased opinion that the young pastor and his beautiful bride (the reluctant pastor's wife) went on to become the most amazing pastor-pastor's wife team ever!!
This week, the young pastor and his beautiful bride will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Though that tired, overused line from the movie Jerry McGuire, 'You complete me', generally makes me roll my eyes, there is not a phrase which more accurately describes my parents' relationship. They literally complement each other as intricately as two puzzle pieces, one ending where the other begins, with no indication of a seam, making something as tough as marriage look so completely effortless! And together, they've lived their life with an unwavering faith in God, going wherever He's led them, and never questioning. I find myself marvelling at them more each day, and feel so blessed to have the opportunity to continually learn from them.
Happy Anniversary, Mom and Daddy! Love you more than you know!
Julie
This week, the young pastor and his beautiful bride will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Though that tired, overused line from the movie Jerry McGuire, 'You complete me', generally makes me roll my eyes, there is not a phrase which more accurately describes my parents' relationship. They literally complement each other as intricately as two puzzle pieces, one ending where the other begins, with no indication of a seam, making something as tough as marriage look so completely effortless! And together, they've lived their life with an unwavering faith in God, going wherever He's led them, and never questioning. I find myself marvelling at them more each day, and feel so blessed to have the opportunity to continually learn from them.
Happy Anniversary, Mom and Daddy! Love you more than you know!
Julie
Saturday, September 1, 2012
If It Feels Good to Feel Good, Do It!!!
Good Morning All!
I've had a 'blog in my head' all week, but wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say. This morning, I've finally decided to just sit down and type to see where it goes.
I've discovered that a big part of 'The New Normal', for me at least, has been learning how to feel. I suppose it's much the same as losing other abilities, due to accidents, etc....when people suffer strokes/head trauma, they often have to learn to speak/ walk/ eat again with rehabilitation. And I think emotional trauma is often the same.....we have to rehab our feelings. It's not that the feelings aren't there, but I think in emotional trauma, we 'fake it', sometimes for so long that we forget which feelings are real and which are the 'faking it' ones.
I've long considered myself a generally positive and happy person. I think that's something that you choose, and I choose happy. I've realized, though, that for the last few years, in choosing 'happy', I had begun to use my 'happy' as a mask, rather than actually feeling it. I don't want to leave the impression that I ALWAYS faked 'happy' during that time, but LOTS of the time, it was my mask. I truly think, though, that I'd lost track of which one was which!As recovery's progressed, without realizing it, I've begun to rehabilitate my feelings, and my real, honest-to-goodness 'happy' is returning! BUT (because there always IS one), with that genuine feeling of 'happy' comes the question: "Am I really supposed to feel HAPPY right now? Is it too soon?? And how is it even possible that I feel happy when I've lost my son??"
I'm attending a study/support group called Grief Share. This past Monday night, we talked about this very thing......that as recovery from loss progresses, it sometimes feels 'odd' to feel good again, and we might even feel guilty for that. It's normal. YAY!!! Not only is it normal, it's ok to feel good again! YAY!!!!!
So, I'm not sure exactly when I ditched my 'happy mask'! All I can tell you is one day, I was smiling, and I realized it felt like it really fit my face! AND it's ok to say it out loud.....I'm HAPPY!! This profound epiphany has prompted me, this week, to think of all of the things in my life that DO make me happy. I thought I'd share a few. Some are huge, and some seem very insignificant to the naked eye, but all mean the world to me. I apologize in advance for the self-absorption, but, if you'd like to indulge me, please feel free to continue!
I'm happy because:
1) Though there are some fairly large things I'd like to change in my life, I find that I'm truly
content with things just as they are.
2) My daughter is TRULY happy/content, both in Mississippi and in her own skin.
3) My parents, though they face challenges, are genuinely content with their life together,
and are, without a doubt, more in love today than they've ever been.
4) I no longer feel guilty because I hate to cook. (It's actually the clean-up part that I hate,
but if you're gonna cook, you have to clean up, so I happily opt out of both MOST of the
time.)
5) My mother (I've promised never to tell her age again), who's a member of the 'wiser'
generation, can now text, and frequently uses the term 'butt dial'. I LOVE that!
6) I have friends who feel more like family, who love me in spite of me!
7) Bonds with my family who extend beyond Annie-Laurie and my parents have grown so
much stronger this past year.
8) My dad wears his Mississippi State cap almost constantly when Annie-Laurie and I visit.
9) The presence of my faith is something that I again feel on a daily basis.
10) I've learned to eat healthy, and I even sometimes exercise WILLINGLY.
There are 10. There are more, but you get the gist of it. If you happen to be among the one or two people still reading, I again thank you for the indulgence!!
Enjoy a great weekend wherever you are, and give extra hugs to the people you love!!!
Happily,
Julie :)
I've had a 'blog in my head' all week, but wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say. This morning, I've finally decided to just sit down and type to see where it goes.
I've discovered that a big part of 'The New Normal', for me at least, has been learning how to feel. I suppose it's much the same as losing other abilities, due to accidents, etc....when people suffer strokes/head trauma, they often have to learn to speak/ walk/ eat again with rehabilitation. And I think emotional trauma is often the same.....we have to rehab our feelings. It's not that the feelings aren't there, but I think in emotional trauma, we 'fake it', sometimes for so long that we forget which feelings are real and which are the 'faking it' ones.
I've long considered myself a generally positive and happy person. I think that's something that you choose, and I choose happy. I've realized, though, that for the last few years, in choosing 'happy', I had begun to use my 'happy' as a mask, rather than actually feeling it. I don't want to leave the impression that I ALWAYS faked 'happy' during that time, but LOTS of the time, it was my mask. I truly think, though, that I'd lost track of which one was which!As recovery's progressed, without realizing it, I've begun to rehabilitate my feelings, and my real, honest-to-goodness 'happy' is returning! BUT (because there always IS one), with that genuine feeling of 'happy' comes the question: "Am I really supposed to feel HAPPY right now? Is it too soon?? And how is it even possible that I feel happy when I've lost my son??"
I'm attending a study/support group called Grief Share. This past Monday night, we talked about this very thing......that as recovery from loss progresses, it sometimes feels 'odd' to feel good again, and we might even feel guilty for that. It's normal. YAY!!! Not only is it normal, it's ok to feel good again! YAY!!!!!
So, I'm not sure exactly when I ditched my 'happy mask'! All I can tell you is one day, I was smiling, and I realized it felt like it really fit my face! AND it's ok to say it out loud.....I'm HAPPY!! This profound epiphany has prompted me, this week, to think of all of the things in my life that DO make me happy. I thought I'd share a few. Some are huge, and some seem very insignificant to the naked eye, but all mean the world to me. I apologize in advance for the self-absorption, but, if you'd like to indulge me, please feel free to continue!
I'm happy because:
1) Though there are some fairly large things I'd like to change in my life, I find that I'm truly
content with things just as they are.
2) My daughter is TRULY happy/content, both in Mississippi and in her own skin.
3) My parents, though they face challenges, are genuinely content with their life together,
and are, without a doubt, more in love today than they've ever been.
4) I no longer feel guilty because I hate to cook. (It's actually the clean-up part that I hate,
but if you're gonna cook, you have to clean up, so I happily opt out of both MOST of the
time.)
5) My mother (I've promised never to tell her age again), who's a member of the 'wiser'
generation, can now text, and frequently uses the term 'butt dial'. I LOVE that!
6) I have friends who feel more like family, who love me in spite of me!
7) Bonds with my family who extend beyond Annie-Laurie and my parents have grown so
much stronger this past year.
8) My dad wears his Mississippi State cap almost constantly when Annie-Laurie and I visit.
9) The presence of my faith is something that I again feel on a daily basis.
10) I've learned to eat healthy, and I even sometimes exercise WILLINGLY.
There are 10. There are more, but you get the gist of it. If you happen to be among the one or two people still reading, I again thank you for the indulgence!!
Enjoy a great weekend wherever you are, and give extra hugs to the people you love!!!
Happily,
Julie :)
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